Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Grumpy Sloth

Today is Pet Peeve day. It started on the bus this morning and inspired me to make a short list of my biggest pet peeves. 1. People who wear too much cologne and/or perfume on the bus. Please! Sloths are not morning creatures. We are groggy and angry and have been known to accidentally kill people before 10 a.m. Also, we are nauseous when we wake up. If you are wearing too much smell in an enclosed area, forcing other people to breathe you into their noses, do not complain if you are vomited upon or accidentally killed. 2. People who STAND on the LEFT side of the escalator. Sloths are not morning creatures. We are late for work and in a hurry every single day. It's just like a highway, stupid-standing-still-people!! PASS on the left!! 3. Homeless people who stand at the door of the ATM and ask for money. Sloths are poor, ok? In some dialects, Sloths are po. I know you're po too and if there wasn't one of you every five feet in this neighborhood I would probably feel more sympathetic. If you want some change, maybe, but why do you stand at the ATM? This is where people go because they don't have any money at the moment. Then they acquire money in denominations of $20. Do you REALLY think I'm going to give you twenty dollars? I live in a tree! I eat papaya! I'm no better off than you are! 4. People who tell me I'm going to grow out of not wanting baby sloths, as though I'm going to reach a certain age and suddenly come to my senses and realize how silly all that non-baby-wanting was. Since when do all women have to want babies? Some of us don't want babies! And we will never want babies! Have your own babies if you like them so much! 5. People who mill around in the middle of the sidewalk, forcing the rest of us to walk in the street to get around them. Similarly, people who walk abreast and take up the whole sidewalk, then don't move into single file when passing a sloth walking alone. It's just goddamn etiquette. Stop acting like water buffalo. 6. People standing on the sidewalk with clipboards. If I see you and you are carrying a clipboard, I will cross the street rather than be accosted by you. You may be able to trick the tourists and the first-year students, but your clipboard doesn't fool me. No, I will not give you money for breast cancer research (cigarettes) or AIDS research (crack) or to save the environment (pyramid scheme). I feel sorry for the suckers who fall for that shit, but not that sorry. 7. People who wear those goddamn ruffle skirts. I am not entirely opposed to looking at your ass when the breeze blows, but I am opposed to looking at that skirt! The 80's are over! Thank god! What is wrong with you that you can't look at that skirt and know, just know, deep in your gut that it is UGLY?? You think because Paris Hilton wore it, it is suddenly attractive again? Get a spine!!! 8. People who, when relating a previous conversation to you, begin every other sentence with "So I says..." or even "So I says, I says...." Sloths have long claws that can reach all the way around your throat and stop you from "saysing" anything else. Ever. 9. People who abuse their cell phone. Cell phones are for telling someone where you are, where to meet you, if you're going to be late, if you're going to be early, if your car broke down, if you've been mugged, or "I'm at the store, do we need booze?" They are not for chitting and chatting about nothing while you wander around a store or ride the bus next to me. I don't care about you!! Stop making me listen to your boring life!! Sloths have long claws that can break cell phones into many many pieces before handing them back to you nicely. 10. Ann Coulter.