Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Clean Dirty Clean

Let's take a break, shall we? This blog has been too serious of late and could use a little cheering up. A lot of people have been doing lists recently and although I love to imagine myself an utterly unique and special (not in a short bus way) kind of person, I'm really not. So here is a list for you. There's sex in it so you should read it. 1. Housework strategy: if you cannot muster the motivation to clean your house, call your mother, invite her over, hang up the phone and take a good look around. 2. People who do not brush their tongues are probably dirty in other places too. 3. Bladder infections have a purpose. They make you take a long look at the person you're sleeping with and ask yourself, "Is this worth it?" 4. There is nothing grosser than a man with long fingernails. Deal breaker. 5. Ok, smegma is grosser. 6. My friend S. got herpes from oral sex. So, you know. Watch out. 7. Since we're on the subject of herpes I will just say that I am more afraid of herpes than anything else on earth. More than a terrorist attack, more than spiders, more than nightmares, more than fucking ebola and smallpox combined. But if my getting herpes would keep W out of the White House for the next four years.....I'd consider it. 8. Current list of items in shower includes but is not limited to two scrubbies, two shampoos, two conditioners, apricot facial scrub, lavender face wash, relaxing body polish, invigorating body polish, foot pumice scrub, pumice stone, apricot soap, grapefruit soap, organic Trader Joe's soap, clay soap, shaving cream, shaving gel, avocado shower gel and hair mud. I also have an enormous array of powders and sprays and creams and lotions, all of which I could live without but would rather not. 9. My ex-boyfriend's shower contains one single, solitary item. A bar of soap. The only cream he owns is called "Oil Driller's Hand Salve" and I have a sneaking suspicion that he only "moisturizes" one thing with it. I am convinced that this disparity is profound and could come close to explaining the fundamental difference between men and women if I could just figure it out. 10. Pet peeve: when someone asks to borrow my chapstick and then says, "Would you rather I use my finger?" Please. Like your finger's clean. 11. Speaking of which, I feel that chapstick manufacturers should be drowned in a vat of petroleum jelly for the life of addiction in which they have enslaved me. (My lips are very soft, though.) 12. If you want to see something really sickening, check out the bottom of the silverware holder on your dish strainer. Where does that shit come from? 13. I once kissed a guy whose breath turned out to smell like rotting garbage. But here's the really disturbing part he had just brushed his teeth and his mouth was all minty. The rotting garbage smell was coming from inside of him. 14. Confession: I own a pornographic video. (I know you're all like, "so what?" but hear me out.) It takes place in L.A. and it's one of those pornos that supposed to be all about the plot, like you're not going to fast forward through all of it. One day a few weeks ago I was having lunch at a restaurant in the Back Bay with a friend and one of the guys in the video walked right by my table. 15. I once dated an uber-delicious Cuban triathlete named Rob. I cannot begin to describe how yummy yummy yummy this man was. Dual problem: he shaved his legs and he glommed. Leg stubble that is slightly annoying and sort of feathery is one thing. 5 o'clock man-stubble shadow on the stems is something else entirely. And because he was a glommer, every night it felt like I was going to sleep wrapped in industrial-grade sandpaper. We had to break up. 16. The last time I bought a sex toy the woman behind the counter said, "You know, you can boil this kind." What do you say to a thing like that? 17. Speaking of sex toys, I have never used a vegetable for that purpose, but I'm still vaguely embarrassed every time I pick out a cucumber at the super market. 18. The first time I ever got food poisoning was from a vegetarian sandwich. The possible causes are truly appalling and possibly related to the reason I feel shy about picking out cucumbers in the supermarket. 19. I would also like to say that the phrase "ribbed for her pleasure is the most meaningless grouping of words in the English language. I once had a vibrator that was ribbed for my pleasure and I found to be the most unpleasurable toy, sex or otherwise, that I have ever owned. Which moron decided that ribbed was supposed to feel good? Are penises ribbed? Is my finger ribbed? What is with the ribbed? They should just say "chafing and painful" or "designed by men for her pleasure." 20. In case you were not aware, virtually every man on Earth has attempted to fellate himself. 21. Be leery of those who do not floss. They're broken. 22. A joke for you: how do you know when a porn star is done filling up his gas tank? He takes it out and sprays it all over the car. And that's the list for today. All suggestions for additions are welcome. Posted by Hello