Thursday, September 16, 2004

Child of the Wild Blue Yonder

In deference to those of you who are less fond of spiders, I leave you for the next two weeks with yet another sunflower picture from Labor Day weekend. This particular one smacks vaguely of the Teletubbies. Ok Slothvillians, I'm off like a Dutch girl's panties. I have no idea what that means and I apologize to any Dutch people I may have offended. I expect you all to misbehave and thoroughly embarrass yourselves while I'm gone. I'm back on October 4th. Take care, peeps. P.S. Don't forget to watch the first presidential debate on September 30th!! Unless you are dead in a ditch or giving birth, there is no excuse to miss it!!!

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Pull Up Your Boot Straps! (If you can afford boot straps to pull, which is unlikely.)

The spider picture, as promised. I took this over Labor Day weekend in my parents' garden (where photographic opportunities seem to abound). Believe me when I tell you that I am sorry for the lack of a redneck post. I just don't have time to put it together. The level of work that I am trying to get through so that I can leave here with a clean desk is completely intimidating. I will definitely tell you all about the dragway and the rednecks and the hooters girls when I get back from vacation. We'll begin this morning with another selection from McSweeney's Daily Reason to Dispatch Bush: DAY 112 President Bush's proposal for renewing the 1996 welfare-reform law included a provision that would have exempted welfare recipients from minimum-wage laws. Those in "workfare" programs, which provide workers with credit toward welfare benefits but no cash income, were targeted by the proposal. According to Bush's welfare plan, payments for those programs "are not considered compensation for work performed ... thus, these payments do not entitle an individual to a salary or to benefits provided under any other provision of the law." A Department of Health and Human Services official confirmed that "any other provision" was meant to include the minimum-wage provisions of the Fair Labor Standards Act and said that "these programs are designed so you gain experience so you can get a better job where you would get a salary and would fall under" the FLSA. The change would have reversed a 1997 Labor Department ruling that working welfare recipients must be paid the minimum wage. (Source Mike Allen, "Bush Proposes Welfare Change," Washington Post, March 6, 2002. See article at washingtonpost.com.)

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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Swank and Pompunstance

Oh hello. Seth requested the spider picture from Labor Day weekend. Fortunately for the rest of you, it doesn't really go with a post about a wedding. So you have at least two more days before the arachnid goes up. On Saturday afternoon I went to a wedding that I had been invited to only two days prior. The bride was a woman who I work with who also has her own fashion consulting business. Basically, you can hire her to come to your house, throw all your crappy clothes in the trash despite your feeble protests and take you shopping for stuff that you actually look good in. She is a total fashionista and Shoe Goddess in her own right and we are always comparing outfits, although not necessarily out loud. The thing I love the most about her is that she has this little round belly that she just lets stick out and is not ashamed of. And she looks so good! She's really beautiful. The wedding, of course, was unbearably hip. There were giant fiddleheads in her bouquet and fresh figs in the pre-dinner buffet. The reception music was old R&B with some fun 80's tunes (Prince, Talking Heads, etc.) thrown in. No electric slide at this shindig, no way. I was curious about the fact that they had decided to get married on September 11th but decided not to ask. I was just thankful to have a festive occasion to attend on that day although we did observe a moment of silence during the ceremony which I thought was appropriate. She sat me at the cool table with all the guys in her husband's band and their wives and girlfriends. They were all so nice I couldn't believe it. And of course there was the obligatory single guy next to me who actually turned out to be very chill even though he sort of looked like a flight attendant in his funny groomsman's outfit. It was a total set-up, but I didn't mind. He's a musician and a photographer and I don't get the freezer-full-of-dead-bodies feeling from him. Plus, he was looking at my iPod mini and forgave me for having a Matchbox Twenty song on there (oh, the shame) so when he emailed me yesterday I told him sure we can get a cup of coffee if you don't mind waiting until October when I get back from vacation. The coolest thing that happened was that a group of retailers in impeccable outfits stopped me as I was walking by their table to ask me if I was wearing a Roze Somethingorother dress which I was, but I only knew that because I had noticed the tag while I was putting it on and now I've already forgotten the designer's last name. They were all trilling about what good taste I had and how beautiful the dress was and how much did I pay for it and blah blah blah. I was so flattered that I didn't have the heart to tell them that I bought the thing in a dusty consignment shop in Freeport, Maine after talking the store owner down to $75 because of a flaw in the lining. Who knew I was buying haute couture? Gotta run, so much work to do. But tomorrow you get to hear about my day at the New England Dragway. And there will be pictures of rednecks!

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Friday, September 10, 2004

How to Win Friends and Influence People. Not.

I took this picture of a sunflower when I was in Maine over Labor Day weekend. I've been neglecting my tree house in Slothville lately and I apologize. As my vacation approaches, as my apartment stagnates, as the first year students descend upon me, as my classes begin, as my ex-boyfriend shows up at my door 40 pounds lighter, I find myself frozen in place. Everything is happening at the same moment and instead of rolling with it, I'm standing ankle deep in the dirt while it all crashes into me. Does anyone remember that episode of Married With Children when Kelly Bundy was going on a game show and for every new thing that she learned she had to forget something else? That's what I feel like now. It seems like my mind is full of holes. My life is full of holes. Everything is just caught up in this huge avalanche of people and places and things that need me to pay attention to them RIGHT NOW but I can't keep it all straight and I am always forgetting what I'm supposed to be doing. So this blog entry is short and random because it's all I'm capable of at the moment. Before I go I'd like to mention that I've decided to stop apologizing for thinking that people who believe in God are crazy. I know there are a lot more of you than there are of me, but I'm done tiptoeing around with my atheism all tied up in knots and tucked away. You know what? The notion of a dude who was born from a virgin, then died, then came back to life and can now be eaten in a cracker is insane. The notion of an almighty being giving a shit whether you can afford a boat or not just because you prayed about it is insane. The notion that God reached down and personally snatched you from the jaws of a disaster, natural or otherwise, while all those other people got killed is insane. The notion that God, the supreme creator, took a personal interest in your little life and made you win that gold medal or that basketball game or that Powerball is insane. Just because 90% of you believe it, doesn't make it not crazy!! If you think that's disrespectful try being a fourth grader who refuses on principle to say the Pledge of Allegiance. Yeah, that was me. I've known what it's like to be disrespected for my beliefs for a long, long time. So forget it. I'm done being touchy feely nicenice around religion. That's my rant for the day. There will doubtless be some sort of shitstorm but who the hell cares. And on a final note, a few days ago the Dastard was helping me pick out a bottle of wine at Trader Joe's. He grabbed a Chianti and said, "This one looks good. It's Sicilian. You have to like it or it will kill you."

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Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Laborious Day

This is a leaf of kale in my parents' garden. FYI, the photo page has been updated a wee bit. I am feeling better, thank you all for asking. That pickle juice really worked. I accidentally drink my own body weight in martinis about once a year, then I learn my lesson until I forget it. My family has seemingly patched up its threadbare spot for the time being and all Slothville trains are running on time. The biggest distraction currently is my new apartment which I liken to a thirteen-year-old girl. You can see its potential, you can tell how amazing and beautiful it's going to be. But right now it's just a fucking mess. To tide you over while I scurry around babysitting 1st-year grad students today, here is a tidbit from McSweeney's Daily Reason to Dispatch Bush: DAY 107: On May 19, the White House issued a memo preliminarily outlining widespread domestic-funding cuts to be included in the 2006 budget. The memo, sent out to government agencies, said that spending levels for 2006 must not exceed the levels specified in a database included with the 2005 budget. According to that database, overall domestic spending will drop by $2.3 billion in 2006, not including inflation. The budget for the EPA will be cut by $161 million. The Department of the Interior will lose $200 million. A nutrition program for women, infants, and children will be cut by $122 million; Head Start, the early-childhood-education program, will be cut by $177 million. Other programs due for cuts include the National Science Foundation, the Small Business Administration, the Transportation Department, and the Social Security Administration. The Defense Department, though, will receive a 5.2 percent budget increase, to $422.7 billion, and the Justice Department will receive a 4.3 percent increase, to $19.5 billion. The Bush administration has publicized its plans to increase spending in many areas in 2005, without mentioning that funding would be reversed a year later. The 2005 budget gives the Education Department a $1.7 billion increase; the 2006 budget memo reduces that by $1.5 billion. The Veterans Affairs budget will get a $519 million increase in 2005, and then, according to the memo, a $910 million cut in 2006. A homeownership program will be increased by $78 million in 2005, as President Bush has repeatedly noted; it stands to be cut by $53 million in 2006. The National Institutes of Health would lose $600 million in 2006 after gaining $764 million in 2005. And homeland-security spending, described by the Washington Post as "a centerpiece of the Bush reelection campaign," would be reduced by $1 billion. (Sources "White House Budget Memo Riles Democrats," CNN.com, May 28, 2004. See article at cnn.com. "Bush Plan Eyes Cuts for Schools, Veterans," The Associated Press, May 27, 2004. See article at usatoday.com. Jonathan Weisman, "2006 Cuts in Domestic Spending on Table," Washington Post, May 27, 2004. See article at washingtonpost.com.)

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Sunday, September 05, 2004

drunkityydrunkslothshothhoth

it's a whooosititwhatsah no so mch otso yep. ima prettty durnk. thinkcould sue water. use water. uep. water will be good for ehaeald tomroeeo. yuep. ok. dint do anyhtikn stupid.just too mchn martitni. toomujchdrinking. happy thought rtired. more rwiriinting tormorrow. so miss you gugrys. sleepyhnow.gnnite. you nbe good sleep good don't fuckanthingup/ **UPDATE** Whaaaaaaaaat the fuck? Oh dear sweet baby Jesus. It's beautiful outside today. Or so I hear. I've had quite a bit of time to think today. Hangover is a weird word, isn't it? What the hell does that mean? Hang. Over. I wonder if the etymology has anything to do with hanging over the toilet. That would certainly make sense to me since that's what I've been doing all goddamn day. No one's fault but my own. Pukin' ain't no fun, huh? But afterwords you feel sooooooo much better. I think I found my Zen place on the bathroom floor today. And I think I'm about to find it again...

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Saturday, September 04, 2004

S.O.S.

Goddamn, families are complicated. No matter how connected and loving you think your family is, there is a ratty underbelly to your familial relationships. This weekend is getting harder by the minute. More on this later.

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Friday, September 03, 2004

Missing: My Zen Place

The photographs in this post were taken at the Boston Peace Rally in March of 2003. Some of you may be wondering why I haven't been talking about the Republican National Convention at all. The truth is, I'm too angry to even form a coherent post about it. I believe that our president is corrupt, bigoted, and cruel. I believe that he is an amoral man who does not deserve to hold any kind of office in this country, let alone Commander in Chief. I believe that his entire administration is rotten to the core and infested with people who care for absolutely nothing except their own gain. I also believe that George W. Bush will be re-elected (or elected for the first time) by a populace that either cannot or will not see the truth about him. It makes me sick. It makes me want to break things. I can't think about it and be kind to strangers and children and dogs. I can't think about it and sleep at night. I can't think about it and get through the day so I am washing my hands of political rhetoric until I find my Zen place and calm down, chill out, cool off. In the meantime, for those of you with less slothful constitutions, there are a number of bloggers out there who are writing quite eloquently about their impressions of the RNC. I hope that you will check them out because they have some interesting things to say. E-Lo, Julie, and The Bitter Man are three blogs that have been devoted to this topic recently and I agree with their assessments and opinions. You may not, but if that's the case, try not to be a fucking asshole about it. Emma. Last night Mr. Bush told the crowd around him that parents of soldiers who have lost their lives out there in the desert often tell him that they are proud of their kids and that they will pray for him, the man who constructed the death of their children. If that keeps him warm at night, if he can live with that, if he is content to forget his own cowardice in the face of military service while our young men and women are slaughtered, then I truly do not understand what makes him a good American. George Bush is not a patriot. He is an elitist warmonger with an agenda that will be unstoppable if he is in the White House for four more terrible years.

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Thursday, September 02, 2004

A Dastardly Birthday Surprise

A wonderful blogger, The Dastard, is having a birthday today. According to his profile, there will be 104 candles on his cake. Wow...someone call the fire dept. and have them on standby, ok? What can we say about the Dastard? This evasive creature, Limulus Polyphemus & Bean Town boy, will not allow his visage to be published on-line. He is quick, shifty, and likes to tease. I guess that's why he's the Dastard. Some speculate that he is just shy. The ladies are convinced, however, that the real reason is that he is so damned handsome. That has to be it...He won't show us his picture because he knows that all of the ladies in his cyber-harem would fall desperately in love with him (well, that is, those who aren't already)! Dastardisms A big part of the reasons why we love the Dastard so much is the funny and clever things he says in comments - our comments and his own. "The eyes follow you everywhere because the body they are attached to follows you everywhere. uh….that sounded a lot more creepy than sexy, huh? Sorry." "The beer in the fridge it's yours...except the PBR, that's mine. And put back what ever you find in my sock/porn drawer." "Sowing discord where ever I go. That's the Dastard way." "I am wearing sparkly no-pantz right now!" "I am nnnnooottttt...a...scifi..d..do..or.......Argh. I can't say it, but I did try so I still win." "What's all this then? Oh, (large lapelled shirt open to my navel) it's time for The Dastard to kiss and make love to a certain special lady or ladies tonight, maybe followed by a little light sloth-tossing." "Sorry. some of the below is witless prattle and may be boooorrrringgg!!! I like saying "witless prattle." Did I just dis myself. Doh!" "Me fail English, that's unpossible!!!" "WUTTHEFUCKAREYOUEVENTALKINGABOUT?!!!!" "Better have my money now. I'm The Dastard, bitch!" "Your mamma has an afro with a chin-strap" "The picture you have up now is Hi-larry-us! I can't believe someone actually made a conscious decision to leave the house looking like a total...wait-a-minute..Um...DAD?!!!!!" "Thanks for the big 'ol man-hug. Sorry I forgot to put deodorant on." "Have you read all the way to the bottom and no dirty stuff or political rhetoric? Don't be mad, here's your reward: pener, hoo-ha, boobie, heiney, doin'-it, president." "huhehheheheee...you like to eat....never mind. BAD DASTARD!!" "I don't have 2 pussies but I do have a man-gina." "You don't want to be to harsh with the kitty. It's much better to be even handed. Maybe you should start gently and then add more discipline as needed, depending on the behavior of the kitty. Try this strategy: "nice kitty, nice kitty, nice, nice kitty, nice...bad kitty! bad kitty, bad, bad kitty....nice kitty, very nice kitty." "I am your Bare and Unbalanced news source." "I would never burst your bubbles, only gently caress and massage them." "I like a girl who can guffaw at wrong things." "Or maybe I'll just mount and then stuff you. Oh, you heard right" "Hullo Random Gentle Sleepy Peach. Wakey-wakey. Poke-poke." "The REdasTard had struck again" "Remember to always probe your meatballs." "I am wearing paper pantz" "My mom made me those pants!! Shut up!!!" "Great, now everybody knows what my ass looks like. Thanks a lot Fleece. That camera phone is dangerous." "Actually that is not me. I would never wear a red thong with pink tite-pantz." "I cloned headless babies." "I'm the only boob here." "Did you really stay up until 1am last night like a big loser waiting for blogger to come back? Huh? How do I know it was back up at 1? Ummmmmm......I, ah....shutup Fleece" "It's Don Juan Dastardo to you!" "I am not trying to be a tease, unless your name is Michael or Gooch and have a tub of ass-wax. Damn, am I typing it instead of only thinking it again?" "why does everyone think they are the boss of me. "Dastard get haloscan. Dastard put up a new post. Dastard stop dating my mom."" "I did everything exactly like you said...but after I asked this one guy to smell it, well, that's the last I remember until I woke up in a hotel room somewhere in Thailand, wearing nothing but a leopard print banana-hamock." "Comply!" Critics Agree... "Dastard, even though I crush on you, you don't pick on me about it. Everything is fair game, and I love that. Happy Birthday Shmoopee!" - Lovisa I think he is great, he shows a side you don't often see in the real world and that's refreshing. - Nord "Dastard, Cheri, you know that I think you are simply the cat's pajamas. You are sensitive, intelligent, mysterious, obnoxious, freaking hilarious, thoughtful, and oh so sexy - everything I love in a man. Happy Birthday! *104 WHAPS and matching giggle smooches!* - Celti What I like about El Dastardo.. he's witty, not afraid to make fun of himself, insightful and not afraid to admit (gasp) he has feelings and is sometimes confused and angry about life. He's remarkably upfront about what others may see as "geeky science stuff." I think he has a true passion for it and doesn't give a rats ass what anyone thinks. Did I mention he's a real hoot? And even though we've never seen his face, he truly has a sexy personality. I hope he's willing to meet me when I got to Boston later this Fall. What he said to me today in comments really did cause intense passion to flood my loins, which was no more than "I'll make you come... up here." LOL!!! He has such a way about him that you can't help but think of him sitting at his computer, biting his lip with a wicked, wicked grin on his face as he spars with the bloggers. He's a diamond in the rough. - Inanna That Dern Dastard! There was this time that I thought Dastard was trying to steal my identity. He signed off as Cooter Pie on Sloth's website... and I felt oh-so violated. After all, I'm the sweetest Cooter there is... and if he was closer to the midwest, I'd eat him right up! Cootersnap likey Cooter Pie... - Ang The Dastard is a good man deep inside. i used my x-ray vision of doom and i saw the truth. inside the spiky metal armor beats a great big heart with real feelings inside it. -el sid He's my Distardly boy -- even though he often commits fashion faux pas that I document on my blog (hello! red crisscrossy pants!). I love this guy for his quirkiness, insight and fearlessness to question everything that challenges him. Happy Birthday, Dastard! Fleecely hugs and love. - Fleece Top Ten Reasons I love the Dastard: 1. He's funny 2. He's smart 3. He has pretty eyes 4. He always says the right things: "Aimee: you are as sweet as a Krispy Kreme. I will think about you the next time I eat one but I will be thinking something nasty too." 5. Waaay back, before we even knew about the moth flies in the men's bathroom, he told us about his love of crotch-less wetsuits, the funny-name lists he makes, and his missing asparagus-pee enzyme. When I commented, his reply was, "Aimee: Consider yourself Mrs. Dastard", so I do. 6. When I get sick & have pulled muscles, he says, "My favorite Goofhead: Aww..blisters and pulled muskles. You need some tender dastardly luv. 7. When I flirt with guys, he chastises me in the nicest way (and makes me blush), "FLIRTED WITH A GUY?!! Let me at 'im! Seriously, that's good pour vous. But we already knew you were a great flirt." 8. Even though he's in love with Lovisa (aka: Lovie Poppet), see #5 above. (heehee!) 9. He and Sloth are friends, and Sloth is a good, good woman. 10. He had the good sense to be born a Virgo. Happy Birthday, Dastard. Love you. - Aimee Dear Dastard, because it is your birthday and ONLY because it is your birthday, I will, for one day only..............................let you be the boss of me. - Sloth And Now...a little musical dedication to our Dastard:

  • "Dastard of Blogging"
  • Click the Title to Hear the Tune - Sung by Michael to the music of "Master of Puppets" by Metallica. Who the hell is that In the Krispy Kreme hat Elusive just to scoff you His references you heed Books that you should read Vonnegut and Nabakov, too. Aliens, Guns & Boobs by Lovisa I will read your site ’Cause you’re erudite The pics you volunteer Are in your scuba gear Come scrawling faster The blog of Dastard His comments blast ya The blog of Dastard Dastard Dastard of blogging he’s funny as hell Bein’ a wise-ass, but bein’ himself Blinded by wit you can’t see his face That or ‘cause his hand’s in the way Dastard Dastard Sometimes he’s "Dangsta" but I’m gonna say Dastard Dastard We love you Dastard. Have a very, very happy birthday!

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    Wednesday, September 01, 2004

    Moving Day

    I'm so exhausted, my skin hurts. I've had two hours of sleep. By the time I finished packing last night I was labeling boxes with phrases like, "I have no idea what's in here" and "Gremlins, keep dry." The piano movers showed up at 5:45 while I was still dead to the world and I blundered my way out of bed to let them in. I opened the door in my robe to find three GIGANTIC bald men in too-tight t-shirts. It was completely porno-esque. I thought, "If I hear bad 70's disco music, I'm making a run for it." Soon this will all be over and I can SLEEP like the over-exerted sloth that I am. Also, I saw a woman walking and knitting at the same time yesterday. Is it just me or does that seem like a terrible, eye-endangering idea? Come to think of it, I also saw a woman with a tattoo on her chin yesterday which, in the spectrum of bad ideas, is probably closer to "red-hot." Ok, folks - have a wonderful day in blogland and you all play nice, ok? I'll be back soon.

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