Monday, October 18, 2004

Craptastic Cinema

My list of top five worst movies of all time is actually much longer than five, but I still call it the Top 5. It just is, you know? The criteria that a movie must meet in order to be accepted into this elite category is fairly simple: 1. It must be bad enough that you at least consider walking out or don't finish watching the dvd. 2. It must be a disappointment. In other words, you must have expected it to be good and it must have left you feeling crushed at how god-fucking-awful it was. Battlefield Earth doesn't make the Top 5 because we all knew it was going to suck. See how that works? Here are a few examples. Frailty - this movie looked good in previews. I'm serious! It did! I can't stand Bill Paxton - I can hardly even look at him - but I was willing to give him a chance for a movie that looked like a good creepy psychological thriller. That was a mistake. It is not creepy, it is not psychological, it is a piss-poor non-thriller. Why? Because Bill Paxton wrote, directed, and starred in it. Could he suck ANY worse? The plot was so full of holes that I mentally checked out within the first five minutes. The acting was terrible, the dialogue was retarded, the sets were hokey and I was all done. Bye-bye $9!! Sorry I couldn't find a better way to waste you. Matrix 2 - Ugh! I loved the first Matrix so much and I was so excited to see the sequel - I was a total nerd about it, all giddy and geeky and in need of a tranquilizer. I saw Matrix 2 with my boyfriend at the time and about fifteen minutes into it he turned to me and said, "This fucking sucks." It was true. So true. But I wasn't willing to concede. I was sure that if we just stuck it out for a little while we would be glad we did. .......Not so much. By the time I was reconciled to the fact that Keanu Reeves has brain damage and everyone else called in their ridiculous, melodramatic lines instead of bothering to at least try to act, and suggested that we leave, my boyfriend pointed out that we had already been sitting there for seventeen hours and there were only twenty minutes of the movie left. GodAMN that movie was crap! The only reason that Matrix 3 doesn't make the Top 5 list is that I didn't bother to see it. The Transporter - more like The Transpooper. I thought it was going to be good! I did! The cute guy from Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels was in it! And he was all ass-kicky! I mean, come ON! Watching this pathetic "movie" was like dragging myself along a muddy lake bottom by my lips. It was suffocating and difficult and nauseating. I can't believe what a waste of time and money that was. Dialogue? What dialogue? Why does a plot need to make sense? We have enormous, pectorals, automatic weapons and an Asian slave-girl!! Fuck off!! Star Wars - the first one of the prequel. The second two don't make the Top 5 because, again, I didn't bother to see them. Jar Jar Binks? Jar Jar Fuckin' Binks?? Yeah, ok, this movie was a piece of poop floating in the community pool and that's all there is to it. There are more, but I'm bored now. One last thing: has anyone rented Supersize Me on dvd? If you do, make sure to go to the special features and watch "The Smoking Fry." You guys, the dude put a pile of McDonald's fries in a glass jar in his office and after TWO AND A HALF MONTHS, there was not even a tinge of mold on them. They were not even wilted. Not. Even. Wilted.