Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Journal Entry: Dec. 26, '04

This is one of my journal entries from the break which contains censored content. Well, doesn't actually contain it anymore if you want to get all technical. God, you're so technical!! Pffftt! My journal writing is completely different from my usual Slothville chatter. Some of you will find it a little pretentious. I won't care. Have a good day everybody! Christmas '04 Boxing Day, actually. I'm staying in the guest apartment. [censored] It's an odd feeling. I never see the parental unit (exaggeration) because I live a few states away, yet I'm down here and they're up there. It makes sense, I suppose. They can't be entertaining me every second of every day. They have things to do. Soup to cook. Shelves to build. Those sorts of things. I have nothing to do (other than read a book for class). I could read my Carl Sagan book. It's called "A Demon-Haunted World" but I keep referring to it as "A Demon-Washed World" by mistake. I do feel, these days, as if our world is awash with gods and ghosts. "Intelligent Design" is being taught in schools. Federally funded researchers must restrict their work to a few hopelessly contaminated stem cell lines. John Kerry was obliged to waggle his faith in the face of the American public to have any hope of winning. Even then his opponent won, at least partly because George W. Bush is a lunatic and a religious zealot. People seem to like that about him. I climb into Sagan's book as into a warm bath. It comforts me and even as I feel validated, my fear is calmed. I look at those who use their myths to justify atrocities, to control social policies and to condemn dissenters as moral inferiors and I see the collective movement of a lethal, vindictive, petulant beast that is a thousand times more powerful than me. The subtitle of this book is "Science as a Candle in the Dark." Indeed. Yes, I'm afraid. I would be a fool not to be. Roe v. Wade dangles over the edge of the cliff face by two fingers. Two votes. And Rehnquist lies in his bed, the frozen grope of death seeping down his throat. In this past election Ohio passed - how many was it? - anti-gay initiatives that not only outlaw gay marriage but strip homosexuals of their civil rights. These measures will almost certainly be challenged in court and perhaps the suit will make it all the way to the top. To the mighty Supreme Court. But who will be sitting there then? Someone comparable to the fox in sheep's clothing who is sure to be our new Attorney General regardless of his jaunty enthusiasm for torture? But it's Boxing Day! I should calm myself. No use pissing away the holiday season worrying about the fucksticks in Washington D.C. Ah, profanity always helps too. It's 5:15. In 45 minutes I can pour myself a glass of wine and smoke an ill-advised cigarette, although the air outside is unforgivably raw. Certainly tests one's commitment to one's vice. I called Michael on Christmas day. He was at home watching a Julia Child marathon. I haven't made up my mind about him yet. He infuriates me. If I am to be perfectly honest, he intimidates me. If he didn't, we may not have made it this far. I am torn between wanting to crush his face with my knee and wanting to have sex with him all the time. He's a pot-stirrer and possibly something of a bastard, although that remains to be determined. Nothing like Duffy with his earnest attempts to keep up with my rabid political ranting. Nothing like Duffy who was no doubt mystified to find himself dating a feminist. Nothing like Duffy who, all else aside, I trusted with my whole soul to always do right by me. He would laugh if I told him that. But I left you for a car, he would say. He's a good man. He never knew that I could have kept him here if I had wanted to keep him at all. That he could never be enough for me. And I'll never tell. [censored] But it's boxing day! It's silly to kvetch about all this. In three days I fly to Baltimore for pork and sauerkraut in the best Pennsylvania Dutch tradition and much-needed face time with uncle Barry. I will miss my dad. He's leaving Maryland the day I arrive. [censored] A glass of wine.......5:47. Close enough.