Friday, February 25, 2005

Fast Times At Harvard High

I was sitting in religion class last night, feeling kind of sleepy, taking notes, checking out the other people in the class, trying not to doze off, when I crossed my legs and accidentally sort of sat on the seam of my jeans...that way. Ladies, you know THAT way. Everything's fine and normal when all of a sudden you shift in your jeans, there's some pressure somewhere, and if you thought you were going to be learning anything in class tonight, well you can just forget it because now all you can think about is sex. So there I am, gazing at a vague spot over the professor's head, thinking about dirty, naughty things while he's droning on about Hindu gods. It was all wrong and bad, I know, but I couldn't help it. I must be ovulating or something. Anyway, I'm lost in my own pervy world when, as if from a great distance, I hear..."Ok, let's take a break. You can hand in your papers and then we'll talk about yoga." Ummmmm.......hand in our what-ers? Ok, folks. You all know that I am a dedicated student. I may not always like it, but I work hard and I get excellent grades. I have occasionally handed in a late paper, but never in my life have I handed in a late paper because I HAD NO IDEA A PAPER WAS EVEN DUE. I mean, I've had this DREAM before - this is a classic anxiety dream - except I wasn't asleep! It was really happening!!! How the hell did this come to pass?? Well, I think we can look at the first paragraph of this post and get an inkling of the problem. So I tried to sneak out. I am such a cowardly asshole. I tried to SNEAK OUT of the class while the professor was lecturing about yoga so that I wouldn't have to confront my TA and admit I hadn't written the paper. This did not so much work as......not work at all and cause me even further embarrassment. TA (watching me tiptoeing toward the door): "Pssssstttt!!!" Me (bright red, skulking back to where he's sitting while everyone stares): "Hi?" TA: "I didn't get a paper from you." Me: " you didn't." TA: "So you were just going sneak away and not talk to me about it?" Me: "Uh.........yeah." TA: "..." Me: "Well, I was going to send you an email later." TA (too loud): "No emails!!" Me (placating): "Ok, sorry - no emails." TA: "When can you get it to me?" Me: "Monday?" Monday was accepted as the new due date for my paper. The only problem is, as of this moment I still have no idea what the paper is even supposed to be about. I don't know how long it's supposed to be and I clearly haven't done the reading. The good news is that I now have my home computer to write on. The bad news is that said home computer doubles as a doorway to a world of free porn and, as I mentioned, I think I'm ovulating. This weekend will be an exercise in Herculean feats of self control. Wish me luck!