Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Squiggly Family

This is my family. They all have radiation poisoning, as you can see by the strange squiggly mutations on their faces. The cool thing about radiation poisoning is that it gives you super powers. My mom's super power (all the way to the left there) is that she can kill people with one glance. It's called The Look and I have emulated it for years because it sets people on fire and their skin shrivels up and falls off and then they melt. Remember "Raiders of the Lost Ark?" It's like that. I have somehow survived many powerful blows from The Look, but I may have some kind of innate genetic immunity. She also has telepathy. Like the time I moseyed home from my boyfriend's house after losing my virginity and she took one look at me and went, "Oh my god! You're only fourteen!" and stomped off to book a consultation for me at Planned Parenthood. Next to her is my stepfather. His super power is that if you try to thwart him in any way, he just doesn't notice. It goes like this: Villain: "I am going to thwart you and eat your children for breakfast!" Stepdad: "Check out these golden raspberries I grew in the garden!" Villain: "Uhhhhhh......ok. Oooh! Yummy!" Stepdad: "Aren't they great? Help yourself! I'm going to go play the accordion." In the middle there is my sister. She has many super powers. One of them is being able to convince me to spend $400 on a polyester quilt disguised as a dress (see photo). Another very effective and scary super power that she possesses is CRYING. If you confront my sister with any kind of crappy thing that she has done, she will simply cry until you feel bad and stop bothering her. The fact that she is very pretty is an integral part of this talent. Who can resist a sobbing girl who is very pretty? Well, me. I can. But everyone else falls before her like that army scene in "Lord of the Rings" where the soldiers all flop to the ground. Anyone other than me: "You know, it was kind of crappy the way you didn't want your dad to walk you down the aisle even though he raised you as a single parent for most of your life and you've never thanked him for being so good to you." Sister: "Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!" Anyone other than me: *flops to the ground* Next to her is her new husband. I call him the Fraggle. His super power is his crazy, thick Fraggle hair which pushes all balding men to the verge of suicide no matter how hot they are. He also has googly eyes that can really freak a brutha out. Oh, and his parents are uber wealthy. Actually, if we're being honest here, I guess that would probably be his most important super power. Rich parents. And then there's me. My superpower is that I'm a foot shorter than everyone so that when it's time for me to rain down the muthafuckin' death, no one sees it coming. It's like getting your ass kicked by a sloth. Literally. Happy Hump Day! Any thoughts on Biden running for prez are welcome.

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