Friday, September 16, 2005

Booby Bite and Buh-Bye.

This is a picture I took a few weeks ago of Felix's brilliant idea to walk through the back hall while it was being painted. The day before yesterday I was waiting for someone in front of my building, reading Newsweek (Headline: "How Bush Blew It"). The whole street here is basically under construction, so there were construction workers as far as the eye could see, with their orange hard hats and suspenders and dirty t-shirts and all. As I was standing there, innocently perusing, something fell into my bra. I think I wondered for approximately 3 or 4 seconds where it came from and if it could perhaps be alive before it started eating my boob. Boob: "Let me out! Let me out!! Something is biting meeeeeeeee!!!!!" Biter: "Chomp chomp chomp chomp......" Boob: "Get me out of here NOW, bitch!!" So, in a flurry of motion, the Newsweek went flying, and my left breast saw sunlight for the first time........I don't know, ever. And I flashed a street full of construction workers. Good times! The biter, incidentally, was an ant. An ant that seemingly came out of nowhere and upon seeing my cleavage thought a) "That looks like a nice, warm place to hang out" or b) "Look at that!! I gotta bite that shit!!" Either way, I wound up with a bunch of red welts on my boob and the ant wound up very very dead. Ok, people, I'm off to the Outer Banks for two weeks. I promise to tell you all about it upon my return. And remember! These guys are on tour and if you can catch them, I promise it's well worth it. You have no idea. FOUND's Lone Surfer Tour "2005!" Monday, Sept 19, 2005 PORTLAND, ME Space Gallery, 8 pm, 538 Congress Street, 207-541-3842 Tuesday, Sept 20, 2005 BOSTON (Brookline) Coolidge Corner Theatre, 6 pm, 290 Harvard Street, 617-566-6660 Wednesday Sept 21, 2005 MONTAGUE, MA Lady Killigrew, two shows! 7pm & 9 pm, Greenfield Road, 413-367-9666 Thursday Sept 22, 2005 BROOKLYN Galapagos, 8 pm sharp!, 70 n. 6th Street, 718-782-5188 Friday Sept 23, 2005 MANHATTAN Housing Works, 7 pm sharp! 126 Crosby Street, 212-334-3324 Saturday Sept 24, 2005 PHILADELPHIA Fergie's Pub, 2 shows! 8 & 10 pm, 1214 Sansom Street, 215-928-8118 Monday Sept 26, 2005 DURHAM, NC Man Bites Dog Theater, 8:15 pm, 703 Foster Street, 919-682-3343 Tuesday Sept 27, 2005 CHAPEL HILL, NC The Nightlight, 8 pm, 405 w. Rosemary, 919-933-5550 Wednesday Sept 28, 2005 RICHMOND, VA Firehouse Theater, 7:30pm, 1609 w. Broad Street, 804-355-2001 Thursday Sept 29, 2005 CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA Gravity Lounge, 8 pm, 103 s. 1st Street, 434-977-5590 Friday Sept 30, 2005 WASHINGTON, DC Politics & Prose, 7 pm, 5015 Connecticut ave NW, 202-364-1919 Saturday Oct 1, 2005 WASHINGTON, DC Wonderland Ballroom, 9 pm, 1101 Kenyon Street NW, 202-232-5263 Sunday Oct 2, 2005 BALTIMORE Atomic Books, 7 pm, 1100 west 36th Street, 410-662-4444 Monday Oct 3, 2005 PITTSBURGH, PA Future Tenant, 7:30 pm, 801 Liberty Avenue, 412-325-7037 Oct 4, 2005 Buffalo, NY Medaille College, 7 pm, Main bldg., call Jerry at 716-884-3281 x.174 Oct 5, 2005 Toronto, ON The Drake Hotel (underground), 7 pm, 1150 Queen Street est, 416-531-5042 Oct 7, 2005 Detroit, MI 555 Gallery, 8 pm, 4884 Grand River Avenue, 313-894-4202 Oct 8, 2005 Grand Rapids, MI Division Ave. Arts Coop, 8 pm, 115 s. Division Street, 616-774-4842 Oct 9, 2005 Kalamazoo, MI Kraftbrau Brewery, 7 pm, 402 e. Kalamazoo Avenue, 269-384-0288 Oct 12, 2005 Chicago, IL Neo-Futurarium, 8 pm, 5153 n. Ashland, 773-275-5255 Oct 13, 2005 Lagrange, IL Borders, 7:30 pm, 1 s. La Grange road, 708-579-9660 Oct 15, 2005 Madison, WI Orpheum Theater, 10 pm, 216 State Street, 608-255-6005 Oct 16, 2005 Minneapolis, MN Pulaski Auditorium, 7 pm, 2114 5th Street NE, 612-706-7879 Oct 17, 2005 West Lafayette, IN Hicks Library Bookstall, 7 pm, Purdue U, 765-494-4740 Oct 18, 2005 Indianapolis, IN Big Car Gallery, 8 pm,1043 Virginia Avenue, 317-408-1366 Oct 19, 2005 Bloomington, IN Playwrites Project Theater, 7 pm, 314 s. Washington Street, 812-339-8710 Oct 20, 2005 St. Louis, MO Mad Art Gallery, 8 pm, 2727 south 12th Street (Soulard), 314-771-8230 Oct 21, 2005 Columbia, MO Barnes & Noble, 7 pm, 2208 Bernadette Drive, 573-445-4080 Oct 22, 2005 Montana, KS SUPER-SPECIAL EVENT! details tba Oct 23, 2005 Denver, CO Hi-Dive/Sputnik, 9 pm, 7 south Broadway, 720-570-4500 Oct 24, 2005 Salt Lake City, UT SLC Public Library, 7 pm, 210 east 400 south, 801-322-8133 Oct 26, 2005 Seattle, WA University Books, 7:30 pm, 4326 University Way NE, 206-634-3400 Oct 27, 2005 Portland, OR The Wonder Ballroom, 8pm, 128 NE Russell, 503-284-8686 Oct 28, 2005 Eugene, OR Sam Bond's Garage, 9:30 pm, 407 Blair blvd., 541-343-2635 Oct 29, 2005 Sacramento, CA True Love in Exile @ Mother India, details tba Oct 30, 2005 Santa Cruz, CA Bookshop Santa Cruz, 7:30 pm, 1520 Pacific Avenue, 831-423-0900 Nov 1, 2005 Berkeley, CA Cody's Bookstore, 7:30 pm, 2454 Telegraph, 510-845-7852 Nov 2, 2005 San Fran, CA Intersection 4 the Arts, two shows! 7pm & 9pm, 446 Valencia, 415-626-2787 Nov 3, 2005 San Fran, CA A Clean, Well-Lighted Place for Books, 7 pm, 601 Van Ness, 415-441-6670 Nov 4, 2005 LA (Los Feliz) Skylight Books, 7:30 pm, 1818 n Vermont Avenue, 323-660-1175 Nov 5, 2005 Long Beach, CA Koo's Art Center, 8 pm, 530 e. Broadway Blvd., 562-499-6736 Nov 6, 2005 LA (Hollywood) Bang Studio, 7 pm, 457 n. Fairfax Avenue, 323-653-6886 Nov 7, 2005 Phoenix, AZ Modified Arts, 8pm, 407 e. Roosevelt, 602-462-5516 Nov 8, 2005 Albuquerque, NM Guild Cinema, 8pm, 3405 Central Avenue NE, 505-255-1848 Nov 9, 2005 Taos, NM Caffe Tazza, 7 pm, 122 Kit Carson Road, 505-758-8706 Nov 11, 2005 Dallas, TX Lakewood Theater, details tba Nov 12, 2005 Austin, TX Alamo Drafthouse, 9:30pm, 409 Colorado Street, 512-476-1320 Nov 13, 2005 Houston, TX Aurora Picture Show, 8pm, 800 Aurora Street, 713-868-2101 Nov 15, 2005 New Orleans, LA Handsome Willys, 8 pm, 218 s. Robertson Street, 504-525-0377 Nov 16, 2005 Jackson, MS Lemuria Books, 7:30pm, 202 Banner Hall, 4465 I-55 n, 601-366-7619 Nov 17, 2005 Birmingham, AL Rojo, 9 pm, 2921 Highland Avenue s, 205-328-4733 Nov 19, 2005 Ann Arbor, MI Michigan Theater, 8 pm, 603 e. Liberty Street, 734-668-8463 Ciao for now!!

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Thursday, September 15, 2005

Show Me Your Bloomers

This is a night-blooming cereus. It's a cactus that spends most of its time looking like a dead shrub and then blooms once a year. At night. Sometimes evolution is really confusing. The flowers are huge and very pungent. I guess they have to be since they only see any action one night a year. I don't know what pollinates them, but I'm guessing moths. I was lucky enough to visit my parents on the night that their cereus bloomed. It had four enormous flowers on one plant which is a lot. Just thought I'd share. It's raining here and the sky is slate-colored. I think Ophelia and I are going to pass each other as I head south. I'll wave at her when I go by. "Have fun in Nantucket, bitch!" Also, Michelle Collins has disabled her comments section. I can only imagine that the unfunny twattage had reached unacceptable levels. Grrrrrrrr........

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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Our President's Crazy....

.....did you hear what he said...... Band I most regret being unable to see live in my lifetime: The Talking Heads. Green tomatoes, Farmer's Market, Labor Day, '05 Shorts: 1. And this is number one because I have just now discovered it: fruit punch and spaghetti go together much like, oh, I don't know.....cacti and tampons? THEY SHOULD NOT EVEN BE IN THE SAME ROOM. 2. My to-do pile shrinks while my did-done-it-already pile grows.... 3. In two and a half weeks I will experience the most gratifying day of the year in regard to my job. It is the day I return from vacation and my co-workers collapse all over each other and exclaim from the floor with melodramatic sincerity, "Thank GOD you're back!! We HATE doing your job!! This was the worst two weeks EVER!!" 4. I'm sure you all know already that Britney's fetus has a blog. But in case you were not aware, here it is. Thanks to Coco for the link. 5. The far right nutters have lost their latest ballot initiative in our fair state. Again. Will they never learn? Poor, poor homophobes. How busy all that hate must make them. Anyway, it's Wednesday! Halfway there!!!

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Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Return of the OTHER Sinister Guy

Ok, so I thought the how-much-of-an-insolent-twat-can-you-be contest went well. Didn't it go well? Jamie won the day with this zinger: "Your sister is right about you." Goddamn, woman!! How dare.....oh, right, I asked you to. The thing about Davy Rothbart avoiding me is simply too painful to repeat here. So, really, you won twice. You should go into business making insult cards - you blew everyone else out of the water. On to the next thing!! If you are new to Slothville you will have to read this and this to catch up here. Tonight I stopped into Trader Joe's as I pretty much do every single night (yay for city living) to buy dinner ingredients. I was looking decent, sporting the pencil skirt and the pigtails, and I had just decided on Slothy's Favorite Instameal when - oh, what was that? You are wondering what my favorite instameal is? Oh, you weren't. Well, fuck you, I'm telling you anyway. *Organic romaine hearts: they're organic so you don't even have to wash them! But watch out for bugs. No, seriously, trust me on this. I would know. Chop!! *Caesar dressing: mix with above. *Trader Joe's creamy prosciutto pasta sauce: heat. *Capellini pasta: cook. *Parmesan cheese: shred. Mix the above three and you have a meal that takes less than 10 minutes. Jessssssssss!!! So. Remember the guy with the Rutger Hauer eyes who was a FAKE SHOPPER? Well, first he got promoted to manager and then he disappeared. I haven't seen him in at least six months. And you know, there's a lot of turnover in the grocery biz. I mean, Trader Joe's is better than most stores in that it pays a living wage and offers benefits and there's a sense of "family" or whatever with the crew, but still. It's not surprising to see people come and go. Anyway, he's back. And, no the fact that he's back and we saw each other and I was wearing pigtails is not inherently funny. But the fact that at the exact moment that strangely-attractive-yet-creepy-eye guy and I locked gazes a la "Casablanca".... "I Remember You" by Skid Row chose to slam into my headphones from the iPod WAS very very very funny. To me. Which is why I broke into a huge, shit-eating, ill-advised grin while staring at the Rutger Hauer ice-white-eye guy who was staring back at me and who will probably kill me sometime in the near future. You heard it here first. So....now that he's back, I guess we'll get to repeat this process every. night. Since I am incapable of planning a meal until I am actually IN the grocery store. Crap. And lastly, I took this picture a couple of weeks ago. Props and shout-out to you if you can tell me what it is. And REALLY LASTLY, The Onion has a little section this week called "Ask a Man Who's Jowl-Deep in Phyllis Diller's Pussy." I..........don't even know what to say about that.

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Huff!!

I saw this photo (which requires no commentary from me) on uber comedienne Michelle Collins' site yesterday. (How the fuck do you do an apostrophe when the last name ends in "s"? I can never remember.) Of course, it cracked my shit up and then I read the comments. And what do you think!! Shocking!! A bunch of not-funny, uptight twats leaving comments telling Michelle to quit talking politics and go back to being funny! As though...almost as though....it was THEIR website and they were PAYING her to make them laugh in very specific, perfectly defined, non-political ways! Oddity!! Michelle is both younger and much much wittier than I am. She's not better looking than me, but she is at least AS good looking as me. And she must not have the blushing problem that I do, because she is, as I mentioned, a comedian who actually gets up in front of people and performs. So, you know, I have a little envy thing going on. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to act like a not-funny, uptight twat in my comments section because I find that vastly amusing (unless you're Todd Vodka). How dare I introduce levity at a time like this?? About such an awful catastrophe!! Goddamned liberal!! Feel free to derail me on the good-looking comment too. I'm such a narcissistic bitch!! *Ok, Celti scared me into linking her in the post. She posted this pic on 9/9, FOR THE RECORD.*

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Monday, September 12, 2005

97-year-old Sloth

Gah!!! Ack!!! Did you see that? Did you notice?? I TOOK A WHOLE WEEK OFF FROM THE BLOG!! Almost. Anyway, I've been flat on my back for a week and not in a good way. I have the back of a little old lady who lives alone with twenty-six cats and a cow in a tiny house on the edge of the ocean. I'm all crippled and gimpy and worst of all, I CAN'T WEAR HIGH HEELS UNTIL I'M ALL BETTER!!! Do you KNOW what this does to me??? Do you have ANY IDEA how demoralizing it is to not be able to wear my high heels?? I mean, I only have fifty pairs or so, GRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! Ahem. So I have a LOT to do this week. Do you know why? Do you remember? No? It is time for my annual two-week vacation to the Outer Banks! Yaaaaaaaaaay!!! In case any of you don't know where the Outer Banks are, I will show you: See there where that swirly, white, hurricaney-looking thing is? That's exactly where I'm going. I heard that maybe somebody named Ophelia will be vacationing with me, but I'm not sure who that bitch is - I've never met her and if she's really talkative and annoying I'm just going to ignore her because I hate people like that and I'M JUST TRYING TO RELAX ON THE BEACH SO SHUT. UP. Don't MAKE me. So I'll try to do little updates every day this week because then I will be vamoosing for TWO WHOLE WEEKS!!! Jessssssss!!!!!!!!

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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Surgery

(Felix with amaryllis bulb, 2004) Felix: "Hey, Sloth, what's up?" Sloth: "Nothing, really, I just came to visit for a few days, how are you?" Felix: "That's a stupid question. I am completely awesome in every way as always. I'm going to sleep in your lap now because you are the most boring person in the world and you're allergic to me." *snore* Mom: "Did you notice that Felix has a toenail in his ear?" Sloth: ".........He has a what in his what?" Mom: "He has another cat's claw embedded in his ear. See it? It's sticking right out." Felix: "No it's not." Sloth: "I thought you were asleep." Felix: "I WAS asleep, chatterbox. I do not have a claw in my ear and anyways, I kicked that fucking cat's ASS. You should have been there, I wrecked him." Sloth: "So.....is that how you got the clearly visible claw stuck in your ear?" Felix: "How would you like a claw stuck in your EYE?" Mom: "I think he's feeling a little sensitive about it." Fast forward four hours...... Mom: "Hey, Felix, come here a sec, I want to show you something." Felix: "Oh, my enthusiasm. It is palpable. What could you possibly - oh, a towel. I love towels. I can sleep on it, eh? And then you'll put it in Slothy's bathroom so when she towels off it will make her sneeze? Why does that never stop being funny?" Mom: "Great idea. Just come here and I'll wrap you in the towel and hold you in my lap so you can take a nap." Felix: "Sweet!" *purrrrrrrrrrrrrr* "Oh! Sloth, hi - I was just dozing here and, uh.....what the fuck??? Dude, get those fucking tweezers away from me, man, I am not even kidding I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING." Sloth: "Oh my god, this is so gross. There's too much blood, I have to go get a paper towel." Mom: "Get the hydrogen peroxide too." Felix: "Yeah, and don't forget your last will and testament because I AM SO GOING TO KILL YOU TEN TIMES IN A ROW." Fast forward ten minutes........ Mom: "Did you get it?" Sloth: "Almost." Felix: "MOTHERFUCKER." Sloth: "Got it." Mom: "Ew." Sloth: "Gross." Felix: "Can I still sleep in the towel?"

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Saturday, September 03, 2005

The Turn of the Tide

I am on vacation and have been absent from Blogville. But New Guy just called to tell me that Judge Rehnquist died tonight. Bush's approval ratings are below what Nixon's were during Watergate, and that is pre-New-Orleans. If that doesn't stop him.....ladies, say goodbye to what we have taken for granted as an "educated" first-world country. You've already had to say "hello" to your babies born with brain stems but no brains. You've already had to say "hello" to your babies who are doomed to die horrific, painful deaths within weeks of birth. Now say goodbye to your rights as women, as citizens of the United States, as human beings. Say "hello" to the United States of Jesus Christ. Unless people wake up. WAKE UP. WAKE THE FUCK UP.

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Friday, September 02, 2005

Blame.

I keep reading everywhere all this animosity toward people who stayed in New Orleans instead of evacuating. Most of the people who stayed had no means of leaving. That doesn't mean they deserve to die. Thousands of people went to the SuperDome because THE AUTHORITIES TOLD THEM TO. Now they are dying because the helicopters flying overhead aren't dropping water or rations. Bodies are lying there for days. Babies are dying of dehydration. The authorities who told them to go there are trying to get them out, but in the meantime they're dropping like flies. Yes, there is crime happening. There is and will always be a criminal element in every city, especially one that is rife with so much poverty. When the opportunity arises, they take it. THEY ARE A MINORITY OF THE POPULATION THAT IS STUCK THERE. New Orleans has become Hell. I wish everyone WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH would stop blaming the people who can't get out and start blaming the people who had the means to prepare an efficient defense against this catastrophe. (Thanks, Dan, for the link.) What the fuck happened to compassion? Why is it so lacking in our culture? In our hearts? Which one of you can possibly look at a woman with a dying baby on each hip and BLAME HER FOR BEING THERE? When the fuck did our souls turn to shit?

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Thursday, September 01, 2005

Points of View

Here is an interesting thread about the issue addressed below. One of the photographers comments near the bottom. Thanks, Retro.

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Yes, I know the horse is dead.

But I'm going to beat the crap out of it anyway. I'm sure you've all seen this already since it's all over the internet, BUT. Just in case you missed it. Apparently, white people FIND things.... .....while black people LOOT things. According to Yahoo, anyway. Racist much? Thanks for the heads-up, Steve.

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Well, Okay

One little thing - I can't help it, it made me laugh so hard.... From "Overheard in New York": A hobo picks up a fruit stand banana, holds it to his ear like a phone, and says: Hello potassium!

--112th & Frederick Douglass

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Overwhelmed Sloth

Between this and this: ......it just doesn't seem like anything in my life is worth telling you about today. Tomorrow, then.

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