Friday, October 28, 2005

Search for the White Myth

Oh, hello. Sorry for the long silence. The reason you haven't seen much of me lately is........oh my god, you are all going to think I'm an utter lunatic. Which I am. When it comes to certain things. Sometimes I wish I could just go live in the woods and meditate and cook a lot and never need anything ever. I'd make my own clothes out of, you know, hemp or whatever. I'd learn Kung Fu and like a zillion polenta recipes. I'd have a cute little house in the wilderness with rosebushes and shit. But I can't do that. I'm caught in society's web and I'm never, ever getting out. You know what I am? I'm a consumer. A rabid, teeth-gnashing, hair-ripping consumer. Or, more accurately at the mo, I'm a hunter. And right now my quarry is a WHITE WINTER COAT. I am completely obsessed, people. OBSESSED. All I've done for three days is look for the perfect white coat. I want cashmere. I want A-line. I want....something I can't pinpoint!! All I know is that I haven't fucking found it yet and it's driving me UP THE MOTHERFUCKING WALL. Does the perfect white coat even exist? I'm starting to wonder if it's a myth. The great white hope/whale/rabbit/shark.... I hate these women. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate them. Where's my fucking coat, bitches??!! You are USELESS!!! Oh, I almost forgot, some people had questions. Mandy, those boots are GREEN. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen. They are made by Sam Edelman and they retail for $232. I didn't end up buying them because I, uh.......already have green high heels. Snakeskin, actually. Kate, you asked how to store your shoes. I generally prefer to store my shoes in a sort of tornado formation, in which they are scattered about my room like the wreckage of a trailer home after it gets hit by one. You should not do this. I repeat, do NOT do this. I don't even know why I do it. Very mysterious. Anyway, I suggest one of those clear pocket shoe holders that you put on the back of your closet door. It keeps the dust off and you don't have to hunt through a pile of shoe bags or boxes to get the ones you want because you can see them through the plastic. And now I am inspired to take a page from Bunsen's book and offer to answer any questions you may have about my various areas of expertise. Namely sleeping and pooping and buying shoes. But you can ask any question you want about anything at all and I will do my best to answer it in my next post. I might even try to be witty. Good show!