Monday, October 24, 2005

Shameful Shoe Gallery.

We begin the week with some of the worst shoe designs I could find for your viewing pleasure. Many shoes are ugly because they are just plain. They don't do anything. They have no pizzazz. You look at them and don't even see them or you look at them and think, I hope I never wind up wearing foot-turds like that, no matter how old I get. The shoes in the Shameful Shoe Gallery are not that type of ugly. They are the type of ugly that wants to be noticed. They scream, "Look at me!! I exist to offend you!!" These are not foot-turds, oh no. These are FOOT CRIMES. What follows is only the tiniest, miniscule fraction of what is out there. We could do posts like this all week and never even scratch the tip of the iceberg. Ok. Say, in some fit of, I don't know, epilepsy or something, you decided to buy this shoe. Issue #1: how does one prevent oneself from taking a steak knife to that horrible black leather lump on the toe? What IS that thing? I believe it's supposed to be a rose but it looks more like a lung specimen from a dead coal miner. This shoe wants you to seduce it (with the cute little hearts and everything) and it's idea of seduction is a lump of black lung?!! I HATE this trend. The three buckle toe box. Why? Why?? Is the shoe so poorly made that it will fly apart if not held together with cheap-looking, yellow plastic buckles? This is not an accent. It's a cry for help. In case you're wondering, the cry goes like this, "Help! Help! They think I'm crazy and they put me in this straightjacket and MY HEEL ITCHES SO BAD!!!" Imagine your foot in this strappy, sexy shoe. Now imagine a giant scorpion sitting on top of your foot and chewing on your ankle. See the difference? Me neither. Hey, check it out! It's Elmo's new girlfriend, Shoemo! Actually, it's more like a "friends with benefits" type thing but he hasn't really clarified that with her yet. Shoemo is just as high-pitched and demonic as Elmo is except she doesn't laugh when you tickle her. Can you help Shoemo? She's lost her way and can't find Sesame Street. If you put her on your foot and walk her back home, she'll reward you by making you look like a complete asshole the whole way there. Yay!! You know, I actually almost like this shoe. It would be pretty cute if that Shar-Pei wasn't taking a nap on the toe. Give that dog a chew toy and see if it will go sleep on someone else's foot. Nothing says no-class-havin' muthafucka like a giant fuzzy flower thing and a lucite heel. As Chris Rock says, "I haven't heard of a college that takes dollar bills. I haven't seen any clear heels in biology. I haven't ever gotten a smart lap dance!" That's right, folks, if you're wearing these shoes, you are no stranger to sticking your muff in some dude's face for cash. Hannibal Lecter is BORED. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. In his spare time, which is basically all of his time when he's not cooking up beans and attending wine tastings, he designs shoes. Here is his first creation. Mariah Carey has already bought 17 pairs which constitutes, like, a whole entire person. Hahaha!! Fooled you! These aren't actually shoes, they're crawfish traps!! Oh, this poor shoe. This shoe deserves our pity far more than our disdain. First there is the identity crisis. Is it a sneaker? Is it a dress shoe? Is it a blood worm? And then there is the most unfortunate thing of all - it has a tapeworm! Now wonder it's been having so much trouble gaining weight!! I made these in art class when I was six. The next day I made a magic wand out of a popsicle stick, some macaroni, glitter and Elmer's glue. Aaaaaaaaaaand, I'm done.