Monday, October 31, 2005

Shameful Shoe Monday

Happy Halloween! Or whatever. I had completely forgotten it was Halloween until I walked into the office this morning and was confronted by one of my coworkers dressed as......well, frankly, I'm not sure. The costume reminds me vaguely of Strawberry Shortcake (that's a character name, right? Not just a dessert?) but it's mostly orange. And there's a green hat. With a wig. An orange wig. It's very confusing. Hey, remember when our parents used to cut our candy into little slices before we could eat it to make sure there were no razor blades in it? And it turned out later to be an urban myth? Well, that's ONE way to scare the crap out of yourself on Halloween. Another way, this year, is to turn on the news this morning. I don't know about you guys, but I have a feeling that Harriet Miers was just the only woman stupid enough to be willing to take one for Team Bush. Raise your hand if you think her resignation letter was written before her nomination was even announced. Now Bush has nominated his token woman (who just happened to be so unqualified that both parties were like, "huh? are you fucking kidding us with this shit?") and now he's free to nominate Antonin Scalia's Mini-Me, Samul Alito. Or, as he is casually referred to, "Scalito." A THIRD way to scare the crap out of yourself this Halloween is to take a look at these shoes which are entered as the second installment of our new weekly tradition, Shameful Shoe Monday. Like many women, I get blisters on my feet from walking around the city in my fancy shmancy shoes. There is also a thing I have heard of called a "corn," though I've never had one that didn't come from a cob. (And as an aside, since when did "cob" become a dirty word? I can't say or think "cob" without also saying or thinking "cobhole" which is just wrong.) This shoe has strategically placed holes for all of the most unattractive bits of your feet to peek through and get some goddamn AIR already. And to highlight the ugly foot bits, the designer has chosen the ugliest color imaginable. This green makes every shade of skin look cadaverous, without exception, and should be banned. Except for zombies. They can wear it - they're already dead anyway. Once, when I was little, my parents broke down and let me go to the Ice Capades with my friend Bree. They sucked. I wonder if they wear this kind of crap on their downtime too. They should. Then we could recognize their Wonder-Twin-esque outfits on the street and punch them in the kidneys for sucking. Gah!! Don't look!! This shoe was shot in the lower abdomen during a convenience store hold-up and it's intestines are spilling out all over the floor! (Although, if you have a strong stomach, this is an interesting opportunity to check out where shoe sausage comes from.) I learned this equation in my high school home ec class: Shoe + Flickety Tabs + Nail Gun + Lime Green = Bad Idea It's like the quadratic formula - everyone learns it, like, sophomore year. Perhaps this shoe designer never made it to high school? And finally for today, I present you with the footwear equivalent of my great-grandmother, Dottie, who died a couple of years ago at the very respectable age of 97. Feel free to get last minute questions in. Answers will be in tomorrow's post. And if you dressed up today, please tell us what you dressed up as. Happy Hallowha??