Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Answer Day

I'll just let this picture (and my unhealthy addiction to it) speak for itself. Ok, I said I would answer questions today so let's get to it! LiAps asked: You do NOT really want me to ask you questions about pooping. Do you? and Where is the love, Sloth?

Seth asked: How often is socially acceptable to shave your legs in winter? and If you had to pick year-round cold or hot, which do you choose? You can make up any other parameters. A/C, live on the slopes, or the beach, etc... The short answer is: NEVER. But there are caveats. If you don't treasure the heavenly, slippery feel of clean sheets on smooth legs AND you are a single gal, then fuck it. Let it all grow out, be a yeti for a few months (who's going to know?) and break out the gardening shears come Spring. If, however, you are in a relationship, your significant other may not appreciate this sudden pilary change, in which case it is back to every other day (if you're me). Secondly, if I had to pick year-round cold or hot, I'd pick cold. There are simply more fashion choices when layering is involved. Dave asked: If I was going to attempt to sell my photos online, is it worth the hassle? And why not? I ask why not because it seems your cart at smugmug doesn't work, which means the selling wasn't worth it? Dave, it all depends on how good your photos are. I think if you have talent and you believe that your vision would look good on someone's wall, then you should go for it. Set up a PayPal account or request checks/money orders, find a system that works for you and do it up. If you are computer savvy then you can perhaps create your own photo page, but I believe Flickr has purchasing options as well. There was a brief time when I wanted to sell my photos online and then someone left me a crappy, negative comment on Smugmug and I decided to remove my email address, the price list, and the option to buy from the page. I didn't intend to be petty, I just decided it wasn't worth it for me. And, honestly, I was embarrassed at the time that I had ever thought my pictures worth buying. Now the photos are just there for perusing, although, if anyone wants one, all they have to do is ask. Tot asked: Can you recommend a winter boot that is practical for this harsh Canadian climate and feminine? Since you mentioned "feminine," I went with all high heels. Let me know if you'd like me to recommend some flats as well. Or some with a chunkier sole. But anyway, the answer is yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Oh, and JESSSSSSSSS. Cooter asked: I would like to know why my $300 Donald J. Pliner shoes can't keep their zipper up. They're so cute, but I've stopped wearing them because I ACTUALLY stepped out of one once. Hmm......I'm sorry to say that I don't, in fact, know the answer to this question. So, as with many other things... ...I'll blame it on the dog. Vince asked: If you could not be a sloth, what animal would you be? And what would you call your blog? I would be a sea otter. I would call my blog "The Kelp Forest" because otters sleep wrapped up in giant kelp leaves to keep them from drifting out to sea. No shaving for me - every square inch of my skin has more hair than there is on your whole scalp I need it to keep warm. Instead of challenging you to best me at my sleeping abilities (as I do right up there under the title), I would challenge you to be ANYWHERE NEAR AS CUTE AS ME. Not possible, friend. Don't even try. E-Lo asked: Why am I so attracted to the color green? What should I name the Fuzz if it's a boy? There are times, E-Lo, when a certain color grabs you by the nape and insidiously manipulates all of your decisions about fashion, home decor and baby clothes until you are able to shake it. The colors that are ruling my life at the moment are wine red, winter white, and chocolate brown. I am obsessed with putting together a winter wardrobe that incorporates all of these colors to their maximum possible capacity. I went through a green phase, too. That's how I wound up with several pairs of green shoes, green pants, scarves, handbags, and etcetera. Last year I could not leave pink alone. Actually, it wouldn't leave me alone. How many pink handbags does one girl need? Well, according to myself last spring the answer was, apparently, FIVE. So don't feel bad. The thing is, if you're careful and prudent (unlike anything resembling me) you will eventually have a wonderful wardrobe of all sorts of colors that you can mix and match. One green scarf and maybe a handbag to go with it are enough. For boy's names, I'm partial to Aaron. Julie asked: How in the hell do you afford all these shoes, girl? and What maple syrup? A) Crack whore, shoe whore, same thing and B) THIS maple syrup. Coco asked: Are you still escorting at Planned Parenthood? The answer is..........no. I had to take a fuckin' break already. Have you ever woken up angry and not been able to figure out why? That was starting to happen to me more and more often. Also, there were a couple of mornings that I just. Couldn't. Do it. I would wake up at 6 a.m., look outside at the FREEZINGNESS and think, "I can't stand in front of these hateful people for three hours this morning and be screamed at. I just can't." The second time it happened I took myself out of the rotation because I figured it was better to not be scheduled at all than to be scheduled and not show up. I am not religious or spiritual, as you all know. I am an atheist, simple as that. But at some point I forgot that spirituality is not a black pall of evil over society and that believing in God doesn't make a person stupid. All I ever saw of religion, for 5 years, was those assholes standing in front of the clinic with veins standing out on their foreheads as they screamed at us and called us murderers. That, to me, was religion in all its glory. My perspective was dark, dark, dark. I forgot the power that belief has for healing wounds and giving strength. I forgot about all the good things that networks of churches do for the less fortunate. I forgot all the positive aspects of faith and saw only the rotten parts. Now, after a few months away from it, I feel a little rejuvenated and possibly ready to return soon. In any case, I sort of feel like I did my time. If I choose not to go back, I won't feel guilty. Evil Science Chick asked: Given the choices of your areas of expertise: sleeping, pooping, and buying shoes...which is your favorite? Also, if you were stranded on a desert island and could only have one pair of shoes, which pair would it be (can be ones you don't currently own, if there are in fact shoes in existance that you don't own)? The answer to your first question is absolutely and without a doubt SLEEEEEEPING. I am very sleepy and slow and when I'm not sleeping I enjoy ACTING as though I'm sleeping and when I'm not acting as though I'm sleeping I enjoy reposing in a position in which one might sleep while I am reading or watching tv. Girl, I am more lazy than Forest Whitaker's left eye. As for shoes on a desert island, it would definitely be this pair which I do not, in fact, own. Yet. They are comfortable, airy, and they protect the toes while you are hunting for sea urchins to eat. They can be worn in the water and are made of wicked strong stuff. Cybele asked: If you were to create a man, Mr. Perfect, as it were, would he a) share your shoe fanaticism b) support your shoe fanaticism without participating c) not be involved at all or d) other option that you will define? Option D: He would whole-heartedly support my shoe fanaticism while also paying for it. The Retropolitan asked: What's Sloth sound like? I will sincerely try to do an audio post at some point soon so you will really know. I'm a little squeaky but I try not to be. Ask Fleece, she knows. And finally, Pup asked: What would your stripper name be? What could be worst than having to travel (for work) on Halloween, the bestest holiday EVER? A) Spazzy McShavebumps B) How about THIS?? From today's celebrity gossip: Sarah Jessica Parker and Kristin Davis may have to temporarily trade their stilettos for sensible flats. The "Sex and the City" stars have both suffered recent injuries that will make slipping into their Manolos a wee bit painful. "I ran down the block a few weeks ago in these heels, just like I did for seven years, and woke up in the middle of the night in agony," Parker tells Closer magazine. "And it turns out that I'd torn the tendons in my foot -- just from running in heels!" Still, the actress insists she'll never give up her vertiginous footwear. Davis, meanwhile, tore a ligament during a fall at a Spanish hotel, says Sky News, which quotes her as saying, "I said to the doctor, 'I don't have any flat shoes! What am I gonna do?' I was conditioned, I was brainwashed for seven years that I have to wear heels ..." Aaaaaaaaaand we're done!!