Monday, November 28, 2005

Monday Shameful Shoe Gallery

Today's Shameful Shoe Gallery is short and sweet. Because I'm feeling lazy. And vaguely bitter. Almondy, if you will. If there's anything that the movie "Snatch" has taught us, it's that Brad Pitt is at the top of his game when he's speaking gobbeldy-gook. That wall-eyed ranting was SO compelling, didn't he win a Golden Globe or something? Well, he should have. He should have won a Golden Solar System for that shit! If it were up to me, he'd win a Golden Shower, but that's a story for another time. Oh, I almost forgot! The OTHER thing we learned from "Snatch" is that pigs will eat you if they are hungry and/or feel so inclined (are trained to). All I'll say about the lovely clog shown here is, ladies, watch your toes. This pig looks famished. One thing that most women know from birth is that shoes speak to us. They have inner messages that float along the airwaves and enter our feeble, hormone-addled, non-science-understanding minds. They say, "Buy me!" or "Wear me to the prom!" or, in this case, "Please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, hog-tie me and throw me in the back of your van!!!" This one simply says, "I......can't.........breathe.........." and clearly needs to be rescued by Johnny Depp in the most swashbuckling manner possible. All you need is a pair of eggplant-colored Uggs (appropriately named) and a bedazzler, and you too can look as though you just walked through a town of teeny, tiny people with bad cases of bronchitis. I've been racking my brain to figure out what the crocheted "M" on the back of this purple, tweed, pom-pommed, montrosity means. The most likely canidate seems to be, "Might as well kill myself now..."