Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Pizza Farce

(Portland Farmer's Market, Labor Day Weekend '05) Setting: gourmet pizza place in my neighborhood, early evening. Cast: Sloth, The Den, Cashier, Pizza Guy. Scene 1: The Order Sloth and The Den enter stage left. The Den (hurtling towards the counter): "Two slices of pepperoni, please!" Sloth:"...." TD: "Oh, sorry, I always just jump in. What do you want?" S: "I, uh, hmm. What's the slice of the day...? Oooh, can't have sausage, I'll 'splode. Ummm.... letsee..." Meanwhile, The Den has received his slices and is over at the table stuffing them in his maw. S: "Ok, ummmmmmm..... can I have a small pizza with tomatoes -" Cashier: "Diced or sliced?" S: "Uhhhhhhhh.... sliced?" Cashier: "Ok." S: "And, letsee... basil? And onions. And onions." Cashier: (one eyebrow pointing upwards like a little teepee) "Onions and onions?" S: "Yes." Cashier:"...." S: "I'm basically looking for like a blizzard of onions." Cashier: "For here or to go?" S: "For here." Scene Two: The Order Change Sloth: "Hi there. Um, my boyfriend already finished his slices and I'm still waiting for my pizza so I was wondering if I could change my order from 'for here' to 'to go.'" Cashier: (crooky eyebrow again) "Sure." S: "And, I'll also get a slice of the day and a slice of pepperoni to go. For my roommate. In case he's....hungry....and I'll get a glass of cabernet too. For here." Cashier: "As opposed to a glass of wine to go?" S: "Haha.....uh....yeah." Cashier: "Ok, that will be twelve million dollars." S: "Jeepers." Scene Three: Where Shit Really Starts to Go Wrong Pizza guy: "Sloth!" Sloth: "Yes!" Pizza guy: (handing over a brown paper bag) "Here you go." S: "Great, thanks. Is this the pizza or the slices?" Pizza guy: (completely baffled) They're.........slices..........of pizza. S: "Right, right, ok. Thanks." Five minutes pass. Pizza guy: "Sloth!" S: "Yes!" Pizza guy: (handing me the full pizza) "You're going to have to eat some of this pizza now because they make it bigger when they think it's for here and I can't close the box. S: (groveling) "Oh! Well, that's good information to have!" Pizza guy: (fangs dripping with sarcasm) "Yeah, so change your order every time." S:"....." The Den: "Sweetie, you look sort of.....stricken." S: "I can't believe it. I'm THAT customer. I'm that customer that everyone hates because my logic is broken. Everything that comes out of my mouth is retarded." TD: ".........yeah, they hate you." Scene Four: Denouement Sloth: (approaching the counter, trying to figure out where to put my empty wine glass) "So, do I give this back to you guys?" Cashier and Pizza guy: (clearly wishing they could tell me to feel free to shove it up my ass and take it with me) "Yes, we'll take it." Fin.