Thursday, November 03, 2005

Splat.

A few days ago I ordered sixteen thousand items from Old Navy online. They arrived in the mail yesterday and exactly four of them fit (one is a scarf). The item I was most excited about was a light blue fleece. I've never actually owned a fleece before because I'm the sort of moron who buys $70 sweatshirts from Ann Taylor. I won't even try to justify it. So I wore my new, cozy, fuzzy fleece over to The Den's house after work and around 8 o'clock we decided to watch a documentary about cable car construction in Hong Kong because that's where he went to high school. What goes great with cable car documentaries? Red wine! Duh!! One thing that The Den's apartment is sorely lacking is a proper wine key. The one he has is the kind that starts out as a tube with a hole in the top and you pull the tube apart to reveal the screw bit and put the bottom of the tube through the hole in the top to make a T. It is retarded and Satanic and I always break the goddamn fucking cork with it. Last night's misadventure began when I broke the goddamn fucking cork in a bottle of cabernet, leaving about three millimeters of cork left in the neck. It was at this time that The Den suggested I push the rest of the cork into the bottle with a chopstick. What? I don't know! It seemed like a good idea! Anyone here ever seen "Dead Alive?" Well, APPARENTLY, pushing a bit of cork into a bottle of wine can sometimes leave one with that hip I-just-lawn-mowered-someone-to-death look. It causes a sort of "geyser" effect in which the wine suddenly decides to leave the bottle with a great deal of force and go straight INTO YOUR EYE, among other places. Those other places include the refrigerator, the floor, the wall, your hair, your ear, and your brand-new-just-arrived-in-the-mail light blue performance fleece. Learn from my mistakes, people. I make them so that you don't have to. In less depressing news......... How is it possible for someone to be this attractive? How is it EVEN POSSIBLE? Hasta Pasta!

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