Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I Have Arrived.

Nothing equals an imminent party in its ability to send a sloth into reeling panic. Suddenly, my surroundings come into sharp focus. I never before noticed how the Lucille Ball and David outfit magnets are globbed all over our refrigerator like arterial spray. And why do our block letter magnets read "FEEL QUEER MAN BOOTY?" Did I do that? Oh my god - last year's Christmas card from my mother is still on the freezer door! Panic! Panic!! When did I acquire thirteen half-empty boxes of tampons? And this shampoo - I bought it a year ago and never opened it. Does shampoo go bad? The walls of my shower, they longer there. This smooth white substance covering the inside of the shower makes it pleasantly resemble an ice cave, but I doubt my guests will see it that way. Oh my god, is my toilet CROOKED?? Panic! Panic!! Look at this stack of paintings and mirrors that I never put up on the walls when I moved in over a year ago.... They are sitting in the only spot in my bedroom that has not been declared (secretly, just to myself) a biohazard. Gah!! A pile of Patricia Cornwell books!! Ohmygodohmygod, where can I hide these? "The DaVinci Code" in HARDCOVER??? Panic! Panic!! The arboreal environment in which I live could use a little work. Soooo......... My yuppie status is official. I have hired a woman to clean my apartment. Check out the legs on that filly! She cleans good too. I love it when they prance. It's so...ethnic. What? I'm TURNING THIRTY. I cannot be expected to scrape shower walls and cross over into a new decade in the same week. It's hard enough hanging up all the clothes that have migrated out of the dense foliage of my closet to the more spacious and sunny terrain of my bedroom. I don't know why they insist on doing this. I try to tell them that the fresh water is at the caves - you have to move inland! But they insist on frolicking on the beach and getting themselves all crinkly in the process. I banished them to one chair that groaned and collapsed under the weight of eight hundred thousand wrinkled blazers. My biggest accomplishment: I corralled all of my sandals into a bag in my closet. The Blahniks made a feeble swipe at me and the Gabriella Rochas got a respectable swing in there. It was the Danskos that did the most damage. GodDAMN those bitches were mad! I'm getting my retina re-attached next week. Tonight The Den is coming over with picture-hanging accoutrements and the lights are going up. My apartment WILL be festive. Oh yes.