Monday, December 05, 2005

Monday Shameful Shoe Gallery

It's going to be a good week - I can feel it. I'm making lists, getting ready for my party, Christmas shopping... There's snow on the ground... My boss is late.... A kick-ass gospel choir performed at the function I went to on Thursday so my soul-food quota is filled (oh yes, I was swayin' and clappin', praise Jesus!) Friday I got drunk at our holiday party and then went to see "A History of Violence" which was waaaaaaaaay better than I expected it to be - thriller quota filled. Saturday went to a baby shower where I gave away my tiny mitten collection and got an earful of labor/pooping/episiotomy talk which more than filled my please-stop-talking quota. Quotas: I set 'em up, I knock 'em down. Right! So here, without further ado, is our weekly Shameful Shoe Gallery. PETA style!! (mostly) Ok, look. I don't know what the bunny did to you. I've heard that they eat crops, I've heard some stories about carrot-stealing and leaving little blue jackets lying around, but I'm not convinced the punishment fits the crime here. A turnip goes missing and suddenly you feel that stuffing the rabbit in a wiffle ball and sticking your foot up its ass is appropriate? Jesus Christ, dude. Get some fucking perspective. Check out this overly complicated, open-air, futuristic-yet-strangely-eighties boot! Wait, wait....is that Tina Turner in there?? Look, she's peeking out down by the heel. "Two feet enter, one foot leaves..." Uh, ahem, excuse me - again, I really must protest. The Moonboot Moth is a protected species. You can't just use the caterpillar for whatever you damn well please. Besides, shoving your foot inside a Moonboot pupa has been linked to prostate cancer so THINK TWICE. Okaaaaaaaaaay. Well, all I have to say about this boot, which proclaims the (presumably female) wearer to be the "King of Kings," is that it costs $1400. I think that's all the information we need, don't you? *Sigh* Excuse me. I guess you did not get the memo or perhaps you do not subscribe to the PETA newsletter or perhaps you are just an ignorant dickhead, so it is up to me to inform you that FRAGGLES ARE CAPABLE OF FEELING PAIN AND EMOTION. How do you even live with yourself? How do you EVEN. LIVE. Boot Jenga!! See how many pieces you can remove before you are left barefoot and frostbitten in the snow, fucking retard. One upholstered loveseat plus one fuzzy, yappy, carpet-peeing, guest-annoying, trash-tipping, tampon-eating dog equals...........this. Recycle, recycle, recycle!!! Finally, I would like to offer an apology to all those who have been adversely affected by my unfortunate addiction to raw onions. You know who you are, and I believe there are several thousand of you. At least two of you suffered egregiously this weekend and I do honestly feel bad about that. But not enough to stay away from Indian buffet for lunch today. Onion chutney will be had, oh yes. Happy Monday!!

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