Monday, December 12, 2005

Monday Shameful Shoe Gallery

Some days it just seems like the whole internet is broken. Grah! After a spate of technical difficulties that left me on the verge of unprecedented violence, I offer you this week's Shameful Shoe Gallery. Make sure you lace up that........sneaker! Boot! Horrible, cheap piece of human excrement! You could SAY that anyone who wears this shoe DOES NOT IN ANY WAY deserve to be strung from a tree and riddled with hollow-point bullets, but those are just words. Silly, untrue, misguided words. Let us never speak of this again. For SOME REASON, I honestly couldn't tell you why, this shoe is on sale for 81% off!! Why? Why? It has all the things we like about shoes: kitten heel, slingback, distracting plastic ornamentation, metallic, pointy toe, curled up pointy toe reminding us of a leprechaun, it's charming, like Lucky Charms, like a rainbow, like a pot of gold, like a fucking leprechaun, it's all metally and shamrocky and leprechauny, you just want to tweak its little cheeks and steal its money, am I right? Am I right? I know! Aaaaaaaaaagghh!!! Get it off! Get it off!! Fucking mummy boot just took a chunk out of my leg!! Where the hell is Brendan Fraser when you need him? Jesus, that guy is NEVER around! know, there's a cream for that. Look into my are getting verrrrrrry sleeeeeeepy..... I am a gorgeous shoe..... I am soft and comfortable and there is nothing wrong with the teal suede, loafer, sequin combination.... I am fashionable.... I am beautiful... You want to buy me.... When I click my heels you will wake up and remember nothing except that I do not in any way represent a sorry, geriatric attempt at the sparkly shoe trend.... Oh dear. This shoe has several issues. First of all, it's gender-confused. Sweetie, if you can grow that kind of facial hair, you should consider lightening up on the pink. No, I don't mean lighter pink! I mean, try some argyle or something. You might love it! You NEVER KNOW. Second of all, did someone forget to tell Gabriella Rocha that the "justache" went out with 70's porn? The only guy who still embraces the justache is Ron Jeremy and NO ONE emulates THAT guy anymore. What is this, a club? You and pink-stache up there trying to form a little group? Look, you made a valiant effort, I'll give you that. The pink is inoffensive, your facial hair is under control, the sparklies are pretty. I can see you've put a lot of work into your outfit. Small, teensy problem: YOUR WING WANG IS HANGING OUT. EVERYBODY CAN SEE IT. What is this? The inept transvestite club? Man, these Unitarians will let ANYONE meet in their church basement. No standards at all, these people! And another week gets under way! Ciao!