Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Floozmail

My mother sent me this in an email today: A Curious Juxtaposition This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."

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Floozday

Uh!!! Not only is it cold and rainy and drizzly and damp and dark and wretched outside, it's TUESDAY. God save the Queen!!! I need coffee. I need to accomplish approximately 15,000 separate things, the majority of which would be considered an emergency. Then you will get updates. I so swear.

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Monday, January 30, 2006

Frizzy Funday

Cybele had it right. It's an eyebrow issue. It's not this: It's not this: It's really more like this: I looked in the mirror yesterday and thought, "Hey, there's a giant, gleaming white cat hair sticking off my face." This, of course, made perfect sense considering that I spent the weekend in the company of Felix: I don't know how long it takes to grow a 2.5 inch milk-white eyebrow hair, but my guess is that it has been poking out there for a while. That's fine. I mean, it's cool, you know, but I guess I just want to say that for all of you who didn't bother to tell me that I was turning into Groucho Marx, you made your bed. And no, you don't have anything in your teeth. Shameful Shoe posts resume 1 week from today.

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Fuzzy Monday

I have training this morning so will be absent for a few hours. Updates to come on how I am turning into Albert Einstein and not in a good way. It's so hard to find good tweezers these days. They can be so resentful. Everything's fine until you ask them to do a little work and then it's all, "Ohhhh, I don't get paid enough," and "Ohhhhhh, my work is so hard," and "Ohhhhhh, what are you going to do when you're too old to grip me...." Happy Monday - I'll be back in a bit.

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Thursday, January 26, 2006

On a lighter note...

Some poor sod found Slothville today by Googling "why am I the only one reprimanded at work." .............I guess we all have our battles.................

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By way of explanation...

I feel the need to acknowledge what most of you have probably noticed by now, which is that Slothville is on thin ice at the mo. I'm blogging about television and other random non-personal bits because that's all I have going on. The truth is, I am going through something that is so monumentally horrible that I have completely shut down my life. I come to work in the morning, I get through my day, I go home, pour myself a drink and turn on the tv. Emotionally, that's all I'm capable of right now. You should feel sorry for my boyfriend, he deserves some pity for putting up with me in this state. This is my blue-and-green softhead. She looks how I feel. Click the link in the sidebar if you would also like a stuffed head to emote for you. I can't talk about what's going on with me on this blog. I can't talk about it anywhere, actually. Suffice to say, it is so amazingly, amazingly bad that you are better off not knowing about it. I'm not abandoning Slothville. I will still be posting regularly. Just know that if things seem a little spotty around here for a while, it isn't that I've lost my edge. It's that I've lost something much, much worse. Everything's going to be fine. Just not right this second.

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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Mattress Mouth

There are times, not very often, mind, but just every once in a great while..... ......that I see a picture of Angelina Jolie and she just looks so............... so....................... ..................homely.

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New Weekly Feature?

And now for this week's (first ever) edition of "I Can't Believe It's Not Florida!" Have you ever noticed that most retarded crime happens in Florida? Fark gives Florida it's own category, for god's sake. So it's always disconcerting to hear about dumb, white trash shit going down in other states. Little girl is shot in the head when her grandaddy and some other shmuck get all road-ragey and shooty.......... Only in fuckin' Florida. Naked guy gets beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat and the cops arrest him.............. Only in fuckin' Florida, my friends. Drunk dude falls asleep at the drive-thru and demands five double cheeseburgers and a frosty from the cops? FLORIDA!! But wait. What's this? The genius EMT who decided to play a ha-ha on his coworker with the defribillator and accidentally killed her was in.......... was in............. Virginia? Would it kill the world to have some kind of consistency? What's next, a trailer park tornado in Connecticut?? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING.

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Blogtastic

Michelle Collins, uber funny comedienne extraordinaire and author of "You Can't Make It Up," has just been nominated for a 2006 Bloggie award in the Most Humorous category. If you do not visit her site twice a day like I do then you don't have all that struggle not to steal her lines like I do. The other blogs in her category are better known, but not, in my opinion, nearly as funny on a consistent, everyday basis. Every time I click on her site I feel like I just took a harpoon to the frontal lobe. And I mean that in the best possible way. Please go vote! For her! But read her site first otherwise that would be weird! And she's wicked worth reading! Thank you!

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Toxic Tuesday

Uuuurgh. You all know how much I hate Tuesdays. Tuesdays are a pustule smack in the middle of an otherwise smooth week. To make this Tuesday even worse, I cooked baked beans from scratch last night and I think the best word to describe this sloth today would be "toxic." The winds flowing from my furbutt could level a small town. Including the roaches. I will be updating throughout the day today. First post: a picture of my living room, just blurry enough that I don't have to bother covering up peoples' faces.

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Thursday, January 19, 2006

Wewief!!

At this very moment I am cackling at The Colbert Report. This guy he's interviewing from, what is it? The 17th district of New York? Oh my god. He's BRUSHING HIS MUSTACHE. I'm sort of surprised to say it, but honestly, this show just keeps getting better. Anything that makes me break out the big teeth laugh is worth a look. Ok, so the test is over, the semester is over, the next one starts in a fucking week so if I'm going to do any good drugs I'd better get on that. 1-800-ASSFORCRACK. Check. Interesting exam. The first essay was painfully general. "You are addressing a government body and explaining to them the nature of folklore, what it is and why they should care about it and fund your study because they have no imagination but might give you money if you blow them, blah blah blah" or whatever. Truthnotkidding: my answer incorporated a giant mushroom colony. My TA. He's a fun guy. The second essay question - and let's be clear that there were only two so they REALLY REALLY COUNTED - was about something that I had first heard of approximately ten minutes before the exam started. No, I'm sorry I should have said EXACTLY ten minutes before the exam started. I was sitting in my seat, looking at the clock, waiting for the professor to pass out the tests, and I thought, "Wasn't there something about some dude that seemed kind of important in all that reading I didn't do?" So I checked out the syllabus and, whatdoyouknow, there was a whole, like, book I was supposed to read. Lucky me, I had the book in my bag. The dude's name was Parry. And he had a friend named Lord. And they were wicked famous in NERD WORLD which is where I currently live. I mainlined a chapter and scanned the index and I swear to god, that essay was kissing MY ass by the time I was done with it. The moral of this story is this: you know that whole thing people always say about how you shouldn't study for the last hour before the exam? Give your feeble brain a rest? BULLSHIT. Work that feeble brain!! Up to the LAST SECOND, bitch!! That's how the Sloth rolls. And now I can finally get some muthafuckin Z's, dawg. Yeah hell, yeah hell, yeah.

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Stwess

Studying foe exams was intewupted wast night by "Wost" and "Pwoject Wunway." Wegular posting will wesume once this test is hunted down and wipped to shweds. Ah, I wuv it when my exams smell like onions...

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Monday Mini Post #2

It's a television theme day. I bet you can guess what I did all weekend. Ohgoodgoddamn!!! Something terrible has happened. I may as well just pack up my crime scene kit and call it a day. What's the point of going on? What's the point of EVEN LIVING?? I have reached the mythical, dreaded, "Law & Order" threshold. GODDAMN YOU, TNT!!! After days, nay, WEEKS, nay, YEARS of watching "Law & Order" reruns stacked on top of each other like unrealistic, overly complicated flapjacks, the end has come. No joy, no mystery, I know all the answers. SVU, done. Criminal Intent, done. The original, SO done. I've seen every episode, guffawed at every laughable confession, rolled my eyes at every crappy pun, remained disturbingly undisturbed by every child rapist guest-star. You're off the hook, man. There's nothing more to do here. Stretch those neck muscles. Spring for a shave. Fly free!!

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Mini Monday Post #1

Oh you did NOT! Real World/Road Rules Dumbfucks!!! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING??? Dude, the Veterans team is fucking retarded to pit Beth against Ruthie in the Gauntlet. I mean, come ON. First of all, that stupid bitch Montana just wanted to sit out the challenge and she freaked out all over Beth because she was just waiting - WAITING - for even the flimsiest excuse to make it seem like Beth is a crappy team member, which she is NOT. Beth outright ADMITTED that she is the fattest girl on the team and that she should sit out the challenge because she would be the heaviest girl to carry! And they all turned on her! And then she did better than any of them!! Fuck them! They are idiots!! So then they put two strong players in the Gauntlet together? Like THAT'S going to help the team?? YOU FUCKING MORONS, THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS TO SHED YOUR WEAKEST PLAYERS. And now you lost Ruthie. Your team captain. The one person who can get everyone to rally, the one who weighs like 90 lbs. but still wins all the time. You put her in the Gauntlet with a girl you hate BUT WHO HAPPENS TO BE STRONG AS A HORSE. You know what? YOU ALL DESERVE TO LOSE FOR BEING STUPID ASSHOLES WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO STRATEGIZE. And now you have the girl you despise the most as your team captain. Waaaaaaaaay to go. I hope she DRIVES YOUR DUMB ASSES INTO THE GROUND.

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Thursday, January 12, 2006

Survival Tips

1. If you want to keep your throat and the fleshy areas of your neck, DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME IN THE MORNING. 2. I am not going to be nice to you in the morning so don't even bother talking to me. See how I am staring at you with an expression of disbelief? See how I turn to my computer and start typing while you are still talking? See these pointy teeth dripping with the blood of the asshole who just gave me a good morning hair-tug? Run, motherfucker! Run!! 3. Treat the sloth like a toxic chemical spill and STAY AWAY. Don't drink the water, don't eat the food, drop everything and leave the area immediately. Failure to do so may result in a disfiguring disease and/or sterility. 4. And if you fucking touch me again, if you are really that stupid, I'm going to eat your children for lunch.

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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Cultural Exchange

IM between and my friend Chris who is in medical school in London (via Australia, via Boston) and myself:

chris says:

had the uncomfortable "patient giving me bedroom eyes:

chris says:

today

Sloth says:

eep

chris says:

what do you do?

Sloth says:

tap it

chris says:

HA!

chris says:

tap it and kill the evidence

Sloth says:

penicillin and vinegar, all set.

chris says:

fuck yeah!

chris says:

get this

chris says:

there is a BAR in the HOSPITAL

chris says:

for the MEDICAL SCHOOL

Sloth says:

oh that is marvelous

Sloth says:

mahvelous

chris says:

until recently, it was OPEN for LUNCH

Sloth says:

haaaaaaaahahahaha

chris says:

serving DRINKS

Sloth says:

that is the weirdest thing i've ever heard!!

chris says:

it's crazy.

chris says:

i was getting the tour and i was like.

chris says:

why is there a fucking bar in here?

chris says:

you go from like, dying patient to med school lockers to bar in like 20 paces

Sloth says:

oh great, they probably closed it down because of YOU.

chris says:

true

chris says:

i drink like a fish these days

chris says:

ficking 5% alcohol beer is getting me, though

Sloth says:

no, it's good. you get used to it and then you slay people in drinking games when you come home.

chris says:

that's true. i'll be an UNSTOPPABLE drinking machine

chris says:

stupid liver

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Tuesday...

........not so bad this week. Thought for the morning: there are few things more endearing than watching my boyfriend teach himself how to juggle.

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Monday, January 09, 2006

Apropos of Celibacy

My friend Steve and I just saw Rivers Cuomo at Tealuxe in Harvard Square.

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Suh. A Montage.

I would have thought that "suh" would speak for itself, but there apparently is some confusion. Suh! Anyway, the word has many uses and here to illustrate them are some of our favorite big screen personas. Emphatic: Ok. Imagine that I am the biggest loser you have ever met and I have an unlikely name. I also have a blonde afro and big poofy lips. And moon boots. Now imagine that I am squinting over your shoulder and going, "I'll do whatever I feel like doing, GOSH!!" Now replace "gosh" with "suh." Eh? Are You Fucking Kidding Me?: Ok. Now imagine that I am an unlikely French exchange student and you are a tubby, self-absorbed momma's boy who wants to speak the international language with me. When you give me a superfine portrait of yourself for Christmas, I smile and accept it graciously, but in my head I'm saying, "Suh..........?" Dismissive: Ok. Now imagine that I am an unlikely genius. I'm way better looking than anyone you know and all of my friends are adorably spastic. When the professor says, "From now on I want you and Mitch to spend every waking moment in the lab" I reply, inmyheartbutnotoutloud, "Suh." And then I have a pool party with hordes of randy student beauticians just to let off some steam. "The only thing I can't figure out is how to keep the change in my pockets.... I've got it. Nudity." Reproachful: Ok, moving on. Now imagine that I am unlikely escaped convict who only uses one very particular kind of hair gel. We'll call it......."Capper Can." When the store tells me that it will take two weeks to get some I reply, "Suh. Well, ain't this just a geographical oddity. Two weeks from everywhere." And then I grapple with John Goodman who is a scary cyclops monster both onscreen and in real life. Righteously offended: And finally, imagine that I am an unlikely petty thief playing an unlikely slave to high school popularity opposite some jackass with a baboon heart and a drug problem. Upon finding out that two jocks are spreading rumors about having a "swordfight in [my] mouth" I am rendered speechless at the UNFAIRNESS OF IT ALL. Even if I am not saying "suh," I am thinking it LOUD AND CLEAR. So I kill them. There you go. Just some of the myriad uses for "suh." It's a multi-purpose word for a limited vocabulary. And if you don't like it you can kiss my furbutt. Suh!!

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Friday, January 06, 2006

Apropos of Nothing...

I just finished reading "Death of an Expert Witness" by P.D. James and my new favorite phrase in the wholewideworld is "clunch pit murder."

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Thursday, January 05, 2006

Thank you, Dan.

What, you were not all on vacation? You mean people WORK this time of year? Suh. Posting shall resume promptly. Promptly after I hand in my 20-page project due today at 5:30 which I have currently completed 8 pages of. Sweet.

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