Monday, January 09, 2006

Suh. A Montage.

I would have thought that "suh" would speak for itself, but there apparently is some confusion. Suh! Anyway, the word has many uses and here to illustrate them are some of our favorite big screen personas. Emphatic: Ok. Imagine that I am the biggest loser you have ever met and I have an unlikely name. I also have a blonde afro and big poofy lips. And moon boots. Now imagine that I am squinting over your shoulder and going, "I'll do whatever I feel like doing, GOSH!!" Now replace "gosh" with "suh." Eh? Are You Fucking Kidding Me?: Ok. Now imagine that I am an unlikely French exchange student and you are a tubby, self-absorbed momma's boy who wants to speak the international language with me. When you give me a superfine portrait of yourself for Christmas, I smile and accept it graciously, but in my head I'm saying, "Suh..........?" Dismissive: Ok. Now imagine that I am an unlikely genius. I'm way better looking than anyone you know and all of my friends are adorably spastic. When the professor says, "From now on I want you and Mitch to spend every waking moment in the lab" I reply, inmyheartbutnotoutloud, "Suh." And then I have a pool party with hordes of randy student beauticians just to let off some steam. "The only thing I can't figure out is how to keep the change in my pockets.... I've got it. Nudity." Reproachful: Ok, moving on. Now imagine that I am unlikely escaped convict who only uses one very particular kind of hair gel. We'll call it......."Capper Can." When the store tells me that it will take two weeks to get some I reply, "Suh. Well, ain't this just a geographical oddity. Two weeks from everywhere." And then I grapple with John Goodman who is a scary cyclops monster both onscreen and in real life. Righteously offended: And finally, imagine that I am an unlikely petty thief playing an unlikely slave to high school popularity opposite some jackass with a baboon heart and a drug problem. Upon finding out that two jocks are spreading rumors about having a "swordfight in [my] mouth" I am rendered speechless at the UNFAIRNESS OF IT ALL. Even if I am not saying "suh," I am thinking it LOUD AND CLEAR. So I kill them. There you go. Just some of the myriad uses for "suh." It's a multi-purpose word for a limited vocabulary. And if you don't like it you can kiss my furbutt. Suh!!