Sunday, February 26, 2006

Shameful Shoe Monday!

Ok, so tomorrow I'll tell you all about how my friends and I almost died in several different ways on the way home from Dan Tobin's 30th birthday party. Good times. But we have business to attend to and attend to it we shall. Here are the shameful shoes you've been waiting a whole long week for. You know what these brave soldiers need... Ok, well, they need to not die. But other than that they need FASHION! That's right - nothing disarms the Viet Cong like a snazzy pair of cammy pumps. Wait, which war are we losing again? WHEN KOOSHES ATTACK! Man, this is a CARAZY epidemic. Just ask these people: Oh, I'm sorry, you can't. They have all been transformed into a slick of viscera coating the pavement. Ohhhh well. Well, it's not like I didn't WARN YOU GUYS!!! Where have I seen these? Where, where, where???? If I could just get into the groove of my memory, if I wasn't so hung up on this brain lock, if I could just remember it would beeee a holidaaaay!! Got it! They were on THIS bitch. (This bitch I totally idolized and wanted to be for exactly 71% of my pre-teen years, natch.) Whaaaaaaaa??????? GodDAMN!! I could have SWORN that dude was a dude!! Must have been all that simpering that threw me off. And finally: You know what would have made this experience a lot more luxuriant? The proper toilet seat. Even inebriated frat-boy assholes deserve a little comfort in times of need. Happy Monday, peeps. Hope your weekend was divine.

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Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Answer You Seek

Someone got to my website yesterday by Googling "What's the most a sloth can grow up to." The answer to your question, dear anonymous reader, is, in my personal experience, exactly five feet plus two and one-half inches. Circumference is another matter.

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Friday, February 24, 2006

Friday List

Bad things that have happened this week: Well, other than Iraq teetering on the edge of civil war, I would have to say that the South Dakota abortion ban tops my list. I had to get all the way to page 16 of the Boston Globe yesterday before I heard anything about it. Now I can't find anything about it online that isn't on an anti-choice website. Basically, it is now a felony in South Dakota to perform an abortion under any circumstances other than to save the life of the mother. That includes rape and incest. Yes, you read that correctly. And here we go, off to the newly re-shuffled Supreme Court to determine if daddies are to be allowed to force their daughters to give birth to their brothers. Way to go South Dakota! Them's some mighty fine priorities ya got there. Good things that have happened this week: 1. I took myself out for sushi last night at the very best sushi place in town. They tried to sit me next to the kitchen, not seeming to realize that I have at least a corpuscle of self-esteem. I demanded a better spot at the sushi bar and proceeded to drink allllllllll the sake in the wholewideworld. There really is something about sitting at a sushi bar, reading a book, drinking sake and eating raw fish that makes a person feel classy and civilized. 2. I FINALLY got a bunch of people who I like but don't know each other in the same room together. Dantobindantobin and his anerable wife Meaghan came over to my place for brunch and joining them was Emily "Fashion Explosion" Neill with her brand-new pocketbook-sized child, Theo, Steve "Warrior" Steve and my roommate ChrisI'lldothedishesifyoucook. And they all seemed to get along which is what I consider unparalleled success. 3. Chocolate and peanut butter covered banana bread happened. To me. There was also milk. Clearly there is some sort of karmic goodness floating around. 4. Speaking of karma, someone gave me this pair of brand new $90 shoes for FREEEEEE. Having a reputation as a shoe maven can come in mighty handy sometimes.... 5. And best of all - the deeeeelicious icing on the motherfucking cake - was this email: Dear Members of the Harvard Community, I write to let you know that, after considerable reflection, I have notified the Harvard Corporation that I will resign as President of the University as of June 30, 2006. I will always be grateful for the opportunity to have served Harvard in this role, and I will treasure the continuing friendship and support of so many exceptional colleagues and students at Harvard. Sincerely, Larry Summers Sayonara douchebag!! Have a lovely weekend, all. Slothy kisses to each and every one of you.

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Ssssssssssssssslice........

You'll never believe what happened to me in the shower the other day.......Ok, wait, I have to preface this. My shower has seven - count 'em, SEVEN - shower heads. They are not all up over my head, they vertically line either side of the tile shower. In order to keep a lather going I generally have to turn off three of them so that at least one side of me can stay soapy at a time. So. I'm facing the shower wall that is not gushing water, shaving under my arms. I'm not sure why I persist in doing this since, as you can see - - it just makes makes my armpits look nekkid while the rest of me is furry, but so be it. So I finish the first underarm and bring the (new) (pink) (3-blade) razor down in a sweeping arc with the intention of rinsing it off under one of the lower shower heads behind me. Perhaps you've already gleaned where I'm going with this. I cut my butt. Total butt cheek carnage achieved in .03 seconds. I felt a little woozy as I watched the long red slice along the right globe of my ass pouring my life down the drain, but I held it together. Then I realized that the only disinfectant we had in the house was rubbing alcohol and upon applying it to my ass cut I promptly stopped holding it together and invented all manner of new and naughty words such as "treecunt" and "sinkfuckhole." Oops. Still like having seven shower heads though...

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Monday, February 20, 2006

Aaaaaand, we're back!

With our first-in-a-while Shameful Shoe Post. I hope you've all been well - let's get to it! Well, I think we can all guess where the leather for this shoe came from... "Get the fuck away from me Donna Karan or I will cut you!! I will CUT! YOU!!" This Marc Jacobs shoe costs $100 and doubles as a dish strainer. Ok, I know, I know. I'm always picking on the fuzzy boots. I can't help it - they're funny! Especially when they're RAINBOW COLORED. But in this case I really just wanted to share with you one of the customer reviews of this wicked hawt boot. "LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THEM- Ooooomy god these shoes are awesome!!!!!! I have them on right now!! THEY ARE SO COMFORTABLE AND CUTE. I can't get enough of em! They even make your legs look skinny! I got the pink kind, YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY GO FOR IT!!!!! GET THEM! I wear an 8 and got a 9 and they fit PERFECT." Oooooomy god, I JUST ACCIDENTALLLLY SCRATCHED A HOLE IN MY CHEEK WHILE I WAS READING THAT!!!!!!! Anyone who wears this boot deserves to be lured into the back of a van by a man with a fake cast on his arm and then dumped down a well and forced to rub the lotion on its skin, no questions asked. This ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR shoe looks to me - and feel free to disagree - like it was riveted (badly) by Alec Baldwin's chest. Alec Baldwin's chest doesn't have opposable thumbs (last time I checked). Perhaps that's why so much of itself got left behind. And finally, this handy boot is super for those times when standing in traffic, holding that cardboard sign that says, "IMA HORE WITH A DERTY ASS PLZ CAN I HAVE SUM MUNNY" starts to be a killer on the triceps. No sign needed - these babies speak for themselves. Well.........Slothville's doors are once again open. Welcome back to crazytown!

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Thursday, February 02, 2006

Hiatus

Due to technical (emotional) difficulties, Slothville is temporarily closing its doors. You may have noticed that a cyclone came in and knocked all the buildings down. Well, we need to keep the public out for a little while as we re-build. We apologize for the inconvenience and hope that you will return when renovations are complete. Thank you for your loyal readership. In the meantime, a little light reading.

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